MUSKOKA, ON – A couple hosting a dinner party at their Muskoka cottage reported frustration after repeated failed attempts to have their guest of honour, Jesus Christ, Author of Eternal Salvation, perform miracles at the table.
According to wife Janet Denitzen, the couple had tried unsuccessfully at past dinner parties to have Christ execute miracles for their guests, and were determined to trick him into at least one extraordinary event this time around.
“First we came right out and announced that my husband [Mark Denitzen] wasn’t able to catch a fish that day, and that he had left all his lures and reels by the dock. We had some canned stuff and we were acting all embarrassed, but Christ said, ‘It tastes just fine; smoky, very nice.’”
“We thought we’d get him with the whole wine thing,” she continued. “And we tried to look real dumb on this one, saying we were silly not to have gotten red wine to go with the fish. So we came out with a pitcher of water and placed it right in front of Him.”
Christ reacted to the sight of water by quoting the following lines from poet and Buddhist monk Thích Nhất Hạnh:
Water flows from high in the mountains
Water runs deep in the Earth
Miraculously, water comes to us,
And sustains all life.
After drinking from His cup, however, Christ turned to the Denitzens and said the water tasted metallic and suggested they have a filtration system installed. He then asked for a glass of Cool-Aid.
According to Mark Denitzen, the couple then announced that they would be having dessert at a nearby island requiring them to cross the water by canoe. With only a single four-person canoe available for the five dinner guests, they had hoped that Christ would offer to walk.
“He told us He wouldn’t mind doing a round trip and going back to pick up the last person,” said Denitzen. “He said He was working on His upper body strength, training for some ultimate Frisbee tournament at the church.”
Based on Christ’s lack of cool tricks, The Denitzens are no longer sure if they will be inviting Him to future dinner parties. They are currently debating whether to send out an invitation to Chriss Angel.
Reporters caught up with Christ who said He would have been more than glad to show off with a few miracles if only someone had asked Him, but modesty prevented Him from doing so without prompting.
“Every year I go to this dinner party and no one ever asks me to do anything fun. The food was really bad this time. We had tuna and grape juice like a bunch of saps. Then I had to canoe across the lake four times. In sandals. Mark didn’t even offer me a pair of sneakers. That’s the last supper I’ll be having with those jerks.”
with files by Leah Edwards
