REGINA, SK – Due to rising food prices, inflation, and the general cost of living, the formerly-retired CanadaARM1 has rejoined the workforce by taking on a part-time job at Loblaws. “A lot…
Tag: Retirement
CIBC unveils new “Pauper’s Grave” retirement plan
TORONTO – In an acknowledgement of the financial struggles many Canadians are facing, CIBC has announced a new investment plan to help customers scrape through lives of quiet desperation until th…
In order to retire average Canadian will need to set aside 100% of income every month
OTTAWA – A new survey by BMO financial group has concluded that Canadians will need approximately $1.7M saved in order to retire, a figure to achieve which a Canadian earning an average inc…
Easter Bunny freezes eggs to focus on career
BERLIN — The disappointment of millions of children worldwide was palpable Sunday morning after the Easter Bunny announced it would be ‘freezing’ its iconic egg hunt for the foreseeable future in…
Ottawa police chief resigns to spend more time with friends and loved ones
OTTAWA — As Ottawa enters its third week of occupation by Freedom Convoy protestors, Ottawa Police Chief Peter Sloly tendered his resignation today, citing a desire to spend more quality time wit…
Study: Self-isolation as close to retirement as millennials will ever get
TORONTO – A recent socio-economic study by the University of Toronto suggests that the COVID-19 pandemic has put many millennials in the most retirement home-like settings they will ever ex…
New retirement plan will simply vaporize millennials when they turn 65
TORONTO- To combat the rapidly shrinking amount of jobs that have pensions, alongside wage stagnation and high housing costs that make retirement saving impossible for the majority of young worke…
Elderly man in line for vaccine really three 28 year-olds in trench coat
TORONTO – As the rollout of the COVID-19 vaccine continues, residents of the Silverglen retirement village patiently waited in line to receive their first doses yesterday. Due to scarcity, cur…
Retired thief concerned window is closing for one last heist
LAS VEGAS – After quietly retiring five years ago, Doug “Quick-Fingers” Malone, a once-renowned thief known for being a part of numerous infamous robberies and heists, is beginning to worry that …
Woman’s retirement plan crumbles after she accounts for living, laughing, but not loving
TORONTO – In a horrifying discovery yesterday, Kimberly Atkinson’s meticulously-researched retirement plans were torn apart after the 33 year-old interior designer realized that she had painstaki…