TORONTO – Since Coronavirus hit, local fuckboi Harold Borowitz, better known by self-proclaimed nickname “DJ Quicksand XII”, has reportedly sent so many unanswered “U up?” texts…
Tag: dating
Report: hottest post-quarantine trend for couples will be separate vacations
VANCOUVER – Although the lockdown may not be fully resolved until 2021, many Canadians are already fantasizing about the trips they will take post-COVID, and the freedom that will bring fro…
Local woman joins dating apps in hopes of having pandemic love story
GRIMSBY, ONT – In the midst of the worst global pandemic in recent history, 27-year-old Laura Wallsh has joined multiple dating apps in hopes of swiping right on the greatest love story of …
Local woman celebrates Valentine’s Day by refusing to speak to any man dead or alive
Niagara, ON – Today 29-year-old Marcia Fitzgibbons discovered a novel approach to celebrating Valentine’s Day while single: completely icing out every last man on this godforsaken earth, an…
New study finds link between vaping and dating someone named Cody
WASHINGTON, DC- Health officials across the globe are closely monitoring the effects of vaping following a damning report out of the CDC which found a link between regular e-cigarette usage and a…
New Toronto dating app replaces first date with moving in together to save on rent
TORONTO – In a crowded dating-app marketplace that includes Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, and OK Cupid, a new app has emerged that is marketed specifically toward Toronto singles looking to co-hab…
Report: Most millennials wait until after the third date to be emotionally vulnerable
WINDSOR – A recent report has found that, on average, single Millennials will wait until at least the third date before deciding to be emotionally vulnerable with their partner. Take, for e…
Alien civilization blocks humanity after receiving unsolicited nudes
DEEP SPACE – Immediately regretting opening the strange message attached to an oblong metallic object marked “PIONEER” found floating in space, a distant alien civilization blocked all of h…
High schooler discovers having camp girlfriend holds no currency
HAMILTON, ON — Chase Wintermen, 15, has quickly realized upon beginning high school that getting to third base with his summer camp girlfriend “means absolutely nothing to anyone̶…
‘Did you know I’m not drinking alcohol this month?’ says woman to her empty bed
TORONTO – After a long and thoughtful self-care journey, Valerie Duncan has decided to give up drinking this month. A decision she has specifically chosen to disclose to her cold, empty bed…