QUEEN’S PARK – Asked by journalists what Ontario’s new stay-at-home order categorizes as an essential trip Premier Ford answered, with a twinkle in his eye, “If you’re fair of heart and tru…
Tag: covid-19
Snowbirds outraged they were only given one year notice on non-essential travel
PALM BEACH, FL – Dozens of Canadian snowbirds are outraged that the federal government only gave them a year to change their annual migratory plans due to the global COVID-19 pandemic. Many…
Long term care facilities build runways, take international flights to get Doug Ford’s attention
TORONTO – Ontario’s LTC facilities have been forced to construct their own fake international airports in an attempt to gain Premier Doug Ford’s immediate action on COVID-19 outbreaks. Whit…
Ford slams epidemiologist for anti-pandemic bias
QUEEN’S PARK – In a victory for public health, Premier Ford issued a statement condemning a member of Ontario’s Science Advisory Table for advocating on behalf of public health. A rec…
Made-in-Canada vaccine is honestly just happy to be here
NATIONWIDE – A made-in-Canada vaccine has begun human clinical trials this week and sources reveal that it’s just happy to be in the mix. “I guess we’re a little late to the party, eh?” sai…
COVID restrictions forces billionaires to play non-human version of chess
MONTENEGRO – With pandemic restrictions putting strict limits on the size of gatherings, many plutocrats around the world are finding they must now play chess with the original pieces, as o…
Trudeau announces construction of vaccine pipeline through Indigenous territory
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau confirmed at a press conference this week that the vaccine will be distributed to Canadians via one massive pipeline that snakes its way through every piece…
Quebec curfew aimed at new vampire strain of COVID that only comes out at night
QUEBEC CITY, QC – Facing criticism of the recent province-wide curfew, Quebec health officials have revealed the precaution is intended to shield the population from a recently discovered v…
Alberta comforts grieving families by reminding them that COVID victims will someday turn into oil
EDMONTON, AB – As Alberta surpasses 1400 deaths from coronavirus, the Alberta Conservative government is consoling family and friends by reminding them that, under the right conditions, the…
Boris Johnson announces that UK residents will only be allowed to leave their homes to colonize a sovereign nation
LONDON, UK – Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that, as a measure to combat the new strain of COVID-19, residents of the United Kingdom will only be permitted to leave their homes …