ARNPRIOR, ON – Local residents expressing concern over the behaviour of an aggressive dog were reassured by its owner that he is actually quite friendly and loves people. Residents walking …
Tag: Animals
Raccoon standing still on top of garbage bin worried he’s not going to get to scare the fuck out of anyone tonight
TORONTO – A local raccoon that has been standing perfectly still on top of a garbage can next to a house in Toronto’s Beach neighbourhood for 3 hours now, is starting to get worried h…
Single treat makes pet happier than owner can ever dream of being
COBOURG, ON ― Local housecat, Firecracker Devries, achieved a soaring pinnacle of sheer hedonistic pleasure today that is in equal measure inaccessible and inconceivable to her owner/servant/tole…
Lazy scientists announce there are probably several kinds of squirrels but they move too fast to be sure
OTTAWA – The Canadian Society of Sluggish Scientists (not to be confused with the Canadian Society of Slug Scientists) has announced via press release that they’re pretty sure there are many kind…
Dogs embracing their bad boy side as sale of treats plummet
CALGARY, AB – As sales of dog treats have plummeted around the country, dogs are embracing their bad boy side. Ralph, the Labrador Retriever, had become accustomed to receiving multiple tre…
Scientist: Otters are actually just wet dogs
Kingston, ON – A senior researcher at Queen’s University claimed this week that otters don’t exist and are actually just wet dogs. “It all came to me at the cottage,” said zoologist D…
Local vet boops a third of your savings account after routine check-up
NAPANEE – A recent trip to the vet has drained hundreds of absolute units from your bank account after it was confirmed your furbaby was in perfect health. The vet was heckin’ thrilled to …
Animal Cruelty Whistleblower dead after whistle attracts many bears
WHISTLER – 36-year-old animal rights whistleblower Leonard Bont was found dead after his handy “shut the fuck up and listen” whistle attracted many bears. Medics arrived on the scene too la…
“Humans are the real problem,” posts man who is the real problem
WINDSOR – Bartender Steve Atkins posted a picture of swans swimming in the Venice canals on Facebook yesterday with the caption, “The animals of the world are returning. Humans are the real…
