Toronto Police: ‘Our wages have to compete with organized crime’
TORONTO – The Toronto Police Service is defending its high salaries by stating that the force must remain competitive against the high wages of organized crime. “Our police force must attra…
Local man just wants to listen to the band Nekrofilth in peace
CLEVELAND, OH – Metalhead James Forrest, tired after a long and stressful day, said he just wants to come home and listen to songs like Junkie Cunt in order to relax, but is having difficul…
All hockey parents must be accompanied with a responsible child, decrees local arena
VICTORIA – A Victoria arena’s policy has ruled that all hockey parents must be escorted by a responsible child at all times while they are on the premises. “We’ve had several instances wher…
CBC says Jeremy Clarkson would be allowed to punch anyone he wants
TORONTO – In an effort to attract more talent, the CBC has stated that embattled British television presenter Jeremy Clarkson, host of the hit show Top Gear, would be allowed to punch any o…
Stephen Harper extends Canada’s arctic territory by peeing on North Pole
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced today that the United Nations has accepted his proposed extension to Canada’s arctic border after providing proof that he had urinated on th…
New ‘Q’ host’s first interview will be all his former sexual partners
TORONTO – After announcing that hip hop artist Shad will be the new host for ‘Q’, the CBC has confirmed that his first interview will be every person with whom he has any sort of sexual his…
Harper defends women’s rights by telling them what to wear
OTTAWA – Canada’s Prime Minister and staunch women’s rights ally Stephen Harper is defending women’s rights by dictating what the can and cannot wear during citizenship ceremonies. “The niq…
‘Holocaust began with words’ claims minister defending large stack of words
OTTAWA – In a press conference on Tuesday, Public Safety Minister Steven Blaney claimed that “the Holocaust did not begin in the gas chambers, it began with words,” in defense of Bill C-51, a doc…
Tory MP assures Canadians that his racism is merely institutional
OTTAWA – Conservative MP John Williamson has reassured the public that his comments regarding temporary foreign workers did not reflect his own personal views and was merely expressing raci…
Shithole town bans motherfucking swearing
TABER, AB – Some fucking shitheaded municipality in butt-fuck nowhere Alberta has passed a tightassed ban on motherfucking swearing. “We think this ban will make our youth more respectful,”…
