Desperate Quebec City officials offer Bettman one night of unbridled passion with Bonhomme

QUEBEC CITY – Officials in Quebec City have decided to up the ante in their pursuit for a return of pro-hockey to their community by proffering NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman an “affectionat…

Biden suggests Hamas and Israeli government hash things out over a plate of ribs

TEL AVIV – During an overseas visit aimed at quelling recent violence between the State of Israel and Hamas, President Joe Biden has suggested bringing the two sides together over a meal of…

Read the ‘Save The Children’ Convoy’s list of demands

From the makers of the ‘federal government must get rid of the covid restrictions put in place by the provincial governments’ convoy comes a new convoy currently camped out in Ottawa.…

Conservatives announce new campaign slogan: “You Think You’re Better Than Me?!”

OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada announced its campaign slogan for the next election will be “You think you’re better than me?!” “Nothing encapsulates the c…

Alley behind church unholiest place in town

INNISFIL — A recent survey of local satanists has revealed that the alley behind St. Barnabas Catholic Church is officially the unholiest place in town, edging out the slaughterhouse, the abandon…

Should the Leafs be worried about Auston Matthews’ assist drought?

TORONTO – Hockey insiders are starting to raise alarm bells about Auston Matthews inability to put up assists early in the 2023-2024 NHL season. “Yeah yeah it’s early, but 0 ass…

Genocide enthusiast jazzed to see so many people embrace his hobby

CALGARY – Local accountant and mass murder aficionado Larry Jones is tickled pink to witness the recent surge in media and political support for his favourite crime against humanity. “Norma…

Premiers wonder how many Charter violations they can sneak in while everyone is focused on Israel-Palestine

OTTAWA – The nation’s Provincial Premiers are hoping to use this moment of international strife and calamity to work in a few more Charter violations using The Notwithstanding Clause while …

Nation’s cyclists mortified after learning that stop signs and red lights apply to them too

OTTAWA – Cyclists across the country expressed their deepest apologies today after learning that they weren’t actually allowed to run every red light and stop sign they come across. &…

Spineless fence-sitter thinks killing children is bad no matter who does it

MONTREAL – Local man Morgan Powell has been accused of both “ignoring the plight of Palestinians” and “hating the only democracy in the Middle East” for his controve…