Child affected by book bans occupies time watching pornography and violent videos instead

PETERBOROUGH, ON ― Local child Raymond Connor, 9, has drastically improved his skills at multiple first-person shooter games this past month, as book bans have come into effect at his school boar…

Entangled dolphin wears fishnets for Halloween

News in Photos…

Sexy devil Luigi nurse costume starting to lose the plot 

VICTORIA – Taylor Hawkins’ elaborate Halloween costume has confounded everyone at the party she’s attending, according to local sources.  “Okay, so Satan and his minions sometimes take attractive…

Man with high pitched warbling voice dies, becomes ghost with clear, deep voice

ST JOHN’S — The late Alan Hynes has surprised friends and relatives by reappearing in spectral form, able to communicate in a voice that’s suddenly low, resonant and intelligible.  “I don’t know …

Paranoid parent checks child’s trick-or-treat haul for rainbow-coloured candies

BELLEVILLE, ON ― In order to prevent anybody from slipping in something that might cause no end of imaginary harm to her daughter, local mother Jenna Bailey instructed her 8-year-old today not to…

Cruelty-free haunted house only features ghosts who died of natural causes

WINNIPEG – Local parapsychologists were pleasantly surprised when their investigation of a mysterious old house in the heart of historic Winnipeg uncovered numerous spirits who lived happy lives …

Is Buffy Ste Marie actually Indigenous? Six extremely white people weigh in

A recent episode of The Fifth Estate brought Buffy Ste Marie’s ethnic identity into question. We sought the definitive word on the iconic singer’s heritage by asking six of the whitest people we …

Local children not at all scared by haunted House of Commons

OTTAWA – The federal government’s attempt to entertain young Halloween visitors fell flat on its face this year, as almost no child has reported being scared by the main attraction: a…

Tell us your fall Starbucks order, and we’ll tell you what kind of climate survivalist you’ll be

Leamington, ON– We all have our autumn rituals, and whether yours is drying off from the summer’s floods or cooling down from the summer’s forest fires, or both, The Beaverton has you covered. On…

Fixer-upper home has good bones, teeth

HALIFAX – A local 2-story home, recently purchased by Jeff and Priya Steinen, is being hailed as a sound investment due to the structure having “good bones”, as well as healthy teeth, hair,…