Thief steals maple syrup using hockey stick in most Canadian crime ever, 3 dead

ST. THOMAS, ON – In what is being called the most Canadian crime ever, a daring thief used a hockey stick to rob a sugar shack and made off with 50 L of maple syrup. Also, three employees w…

Fervent acolytes await prophesied return of Pumpkin Spice Latte

WINNIPEG – Deep beneath the earth in an adjunct conference room of Buhler Industries Inc, a clandestine group of extremely white disciples eagerly awaits the earthly rebirth of their most s…

Man spends three days putting off five minute task

FREDERICTON — Deeming the act of quickly replying to a work email to be too difficult, local man Eric Stevenson has put off the task for multiple days, despite the fact that it would take him les…

‘Too bad it’s against the law to ball-gag Brian Jean,’ lament Albertans

EDMONTON – Many Albertans expressed disappointment that it would be a criminal offence to ball-gag Wildrose Leader Brian Jean for the rest of his life to avoid making violent, misogynist jo…

Yukon Conservation officers forced to shoot Smokey Bear

WHITEHORSE – Parks Canada and Yukon Conservation officials were forced to shoot a popular bear affectionately known as ‘Smokey’ after it approached campers and hikers informing them about f…

Mexico detains Trump at border; “America is not sending us their best”

TIJUANA – Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has been detained by authorities at the Mexican border, after it was determined that he was entering the country illegally. “Judging…

Just tell me what you want me to think and I’ll think it

By: Patrick Brown, Leader of the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario Ugh, Mondays right? You wake up, pour yourself a nice cup of coffee, and sit down to write a tidy little missive promisi…

Woman’s personal brand revamped to appeal to 18-25 demographic

VANCOUVER—Representatives for Tracy Henderson have confirmed that 29-year old graphic designer’s personal brand will be undergoing an “exciting new evolution” to help it re-center it’s appeal wit…

Marriage on the rocks after argument over whether Golden Age of television has ended

HAMILTON – A recent argument between Ted and Susan Jameson over whether the golden age of television has indeed come to a close has led to concerns that their marriage may be in jeopardy. “Sure, …

Nestle accuses public of evil-shaming

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND – In a statement from Nestle headquarters, Chairman Peter Brabeck-Letmathe has accused the general public of discriminatory behaviour towards the corporation’s acts of pu…