“Ozark” added to federal watch-later list
OTTAWA – In a press release today, the RCMP updated its Must Watch List for 2018, with Netflix’s Ozark taking the top spot. “After receiving intel that Ozark is really good from my cousin T…
Charlie Angus admits he’s the NDP Candidate in bed with the Muslim Brotherhood
TIMMINS, ON – After Jagmeet Singh’s recent event was interrupted by an islamophobe accusing him of colluding with the Muslim Brotherhood, rival NDP candidate Charlie Angus has admitted he i…
Millennials are killing the Millennial-Killing industry
CALGARY – In addition to the cereal, newspaper, and homeownership industries, reports show millennials are now destroying the once-popular pastime of legal for-profit millennial homicide. W…
NDP Leadership Ads: Charlie Angus
Our #sponsoredcontent NDP leadership ads continue with Charlie Angus, the candidate so boring and white you won’t believe he isn’t also running for conservative leader.…
Couple spends weekend binge watching their relationship die
REGINA – Local couple Cameron Lacks and Joel Divago are excited to unwind after a long work week by spending the weekend binge watching their relationship die. “My last relationship I would…
Bat mitzvah ruined as girl’s face melts during ark-opening ceremony
THORNHILL – A Bat Mitzvah for twelve-year-old Thornhill girl Revi Spivak took a tragic turn when her face melted off her skull during the p’tikhah, the ceremonial opening of the ark that contains…
Rich Canadians horrified as Hurricane Irma bears down on helpless 5-star resorts
CANADA – As the category 5 Hurricane Irma barrels through the Caribbean and Florida, the top 0.1% of Canadian earners are bracing themselves emotionally for the destruction of the world’s b…
Upcoming UFC card features grumpiest fighters yet
EDMONTON – The UFC event in Edmonton will feature a title bout between the sport’s two grumpiest fighters: Stu Caufield and Frank Leroux, neither of whom has smiled since Mambo No.5 w…
Doug Ford announces plans to make 2018 fucking unbearable
TORONTO — In the lead-up to his annual Ford Fest rally, Doug Ford is already announcing plans to make 2018 “absolutely frigging brutal” by once again running for mayor. “Doug’s back, losers…
Disney casts Amy Adams, Benedict Cumberbatch as leads in upcoming live-action Mulan film
LOS ANGELES – Speaking before an assembled group of industry press earlier this week, Disney spokesperson Ian Glenn enthusiastically unveiled the casting of Hollywood stars Amy Adams and Benedict…
