More farmers using Ontario PC platform as fertilizer for its high quality bullshit
LISTOWEL, ON – Farmers across Ontario have already started using the provincial PC Party’s platform to fertilize their fields as the policies outlined are nutrient rich in bullshit. Allan O…
Autocorrect nightmare: Typo in Bill C-45 legalizes cannibalism instead of cannabis
OTTAWA – Canada is one step closer to the accidental legalization of cannibalism after the House of Commons passed a typo-ridden Bill C-45, formerly known as The Cannabis Act. “I think no o…
Nation terrified after Uber hack threatens to reveal our embarrassing Uber history
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
After Olympic ban, Russia to stick to cheating at the foreign election level
LAUSANNE, SUI – In the wake of the International Olympic Committee’s ban on Russian athletes at next year’s Winter Olympics for doping, The Russian Federation announced that it will return …
Study: Rats don’t like it when scientists give them cancer
ST. CATHARINES – After years of clinical trials a group of researchers at Brock University have conclusively proven that rats do not enjoy being given cancer. “For as long as humanity has k…
QUIZ: Jesus, what was that, a deer?
Oh, shit. Holy shit, Jesus. What the hell was that, it shot out right in front of the car. Jesus Christ, look at the hood of the car! What was that, like a deer or something? Take this quiz and f…
DC lawyers insist Trump cannot be found guilty of obstruction of justice because he doesn’t know the word ‘obstruction’
WASHINGTON — Following Donald Trump’s apparent admission via Twitter that he was aware of criminal wrongdoing when he asked former FBI director James Comey to halt an investigation into former ai…
Revealed: Boomers plan to waste all their money buying bobbleheads in final fuck you to future generations
KITCHENER, ON – Evidence from multiple sources points to a far-reaching plot by baby boomers to waste all the money that could be willed to future generations by purchasing millions and mil…
Quebec asks store clerks to punch English-speakers in the face repeatedly
Quebec City – The provincial legislature of Quebec has unanimously passed a motion encouraging retail workers to promote the use of French by punching English-speaking customers in the face…
Innovative captains of industry discover cheaper, more efficient labour method called “employing women”
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. March 30th, 1915 MONTREAL — While our brave boys are off fighting Fritz on…
