Deep down, you always knew it was going to come to this
By: Doug Ford Did you expect anything else? In your heart of hearts, in the place where your greatest hopes and darkest fears reside, in that netherworld between sleep and nightmare at which poss…
Ontario PCs elect drug dealer to replace sex criminal
TORONTO – After this weekend’s hard-fought leadership election, the Ontario Progressive Conservative party has proudly announced that they’ve elected Doug Ford, a former drug dealer, to rep…
Report: Average CEO also 270 times happier than average worker
OTTAWA – Measuring the effects of money on wellbeing, a report released Friday comparing employee life-quality to that of the world’s top executives says that the average CEO is now 270 tim…
Amateur photographer announces plans to waste even more money
Kingston, ON – Local dentist Todd Holmes announced his plans to spend even more money on his completely lacklustre photography hobby. “Last year I probably spent over $10,000 on gear …
QUIZ: Answer these 5 questions and we’ll tell you if you were popular in high school
Have you ever wondered how popular you were in high school? Answer these 5 simple questions to find out if you were just another face in the crowd or some sort of prom regent. Images via Deposit …
Facebook’s new algorithm to block fake news and pictures of Kim’s stupid fucking baby
MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA – After continued criticisms about its role in the 2016 Election, Facebook’s CEO, Mark Zuckerberg announced that his company would be implementing a new algorithm to stop t…
Brian Mulroney stays up all night writing daughter’s victory speech
TORONTO – With the sun rising on the day of the Ontario PC leadership vote, a haggard Brian Mulroney has completed writing his daughter’s victory speech. While the speech had already been w…
Canadians tacitly accept ‘Rim’ and ‘Win’ as a rhyme for 32nd year in a row
HAMILTON – Remaining willfully blind to proper poetic structure in order to maintain a chance at winning a free coffee, Tim Hortons customers across Canada participated in Roll Up The Rim T…
Alexa accidentally transmits laughter from Amazon HQ to users
SEATTLE – Reports from multiple users that Alexa devices are randomly emitting laughter have been traced to a live microphone in the data harvesting centre of Amazon’s Seattle headquarters.…
Recently tenured prof glad he doesn’t have to close door when he shits anymore
TORONTO – University of Toronto psychology professor Jamie Pasternak is relieved he finally has tenure and can therefore keep the door wide open when he drops deuces from now on. “As a new …
