Immigration Minister apologizes to Ontario, admits being a dick to refugees is very Canadian

OTTAWA – After an incident in which he called Ontario’s new attitude to asylum-seekers “not Canadian” federal Immigration Minister Ahmed Hussen has issued a formal apology, admitting that treatin…

Apple unveils bold new keyboard design inspired by natural wonder known as class action lawsuit

CUPERTINO, CA – Apple has refreshed its high-end MacBook Pro laptop line this week, featuring a revolutionary new keyboard design that was inspired by the class action lawsuits filed agains…

Old man in Driver’s Ed knows all the drinking and driving answers

Kingston, ON – The students and faculty of All Star Defensive Driving Academy were delighted to find a star pupil in 65 year old Derek Knox, who knew the answer to every single question pos…

BREAKING: France okay with certain immigrants

MOSCOW, RUSSIA – After a high scoring 4 – 2 victory over Croatia in the 2018 World Cup finals, the entire nation of France announced Sunday that it finally embrace certain immigrants,…

Campus leftists under fire for refusing to engage in debate with escaped zoo tiger

TORONTO – In a rejection of liberal values characteristic of the modern Left, campus progressives are refusing to debate the eleven-foot man-eating tiger who recently escaped the zoo. “In a liber…

“Antarctic ice loss has tripled,” says crumpled report in garbage bin in Exxon’s cocaine lounge

Irving, TX – Oil industry insiders say that an alarming climate change report has been received by one of the top waste baskets in Exxon’s largest narcotic lounge. “It is imperative that we…

Ontario student from 2021 aces standardized phrenology exam

UXBRIDGE, ON – An Ontario student living three years into the future will receive a perfect score on his standardized phrenology exam. William Paxter, 17, will put in long hours of studying…

White friend just not that into politics

SCARBOROUGH – After failing to show any interest in June’s provincial election, local white friend Madison Thomas stunned no one by announcing she’s “just not that into” politics. According to so…

Revived 1998 Ontario sex-ed curriculum encourages students to be more of a Chandler and less of a Joey

TORONTO – Following the announcement that schools in Ontario will be returning to the prior 1998 sex-ed lesson plans, educators have begun dusting off old materials, which instruct students to ac…

Quick-thinking beachgoers save Elizabeth May trapped in plastic six ring pack

SAANICH, BC – A group of environmental do-gooders saved Green Party Leader and endangered species Elizabeth May who was found tangled in a web of six ring beer packs. “My partner and I were…