MISSISSAUGA, ON – Running a shocking 35 minutes behind on his morning routine Bill Benson, 29, had nevertheless found time to prioritize what’s important in his life: checking in on social media platform Instagram for the third time this morning.
“Yeah, like, it’s a real bummer that I didn’t get to eat breakfast, and I’ll for sure be late to work again,” muttered Benson while waddling at top speed towards the GO train. “But have you seen these shots from Linda’s vacation?!” Linda, an acquaintance from high school Benson hasn’t seen in nine years, was seen enjoying herself in Cozumel, Mexico in a photo set that had garnered an impressive 38 likes on Instagram.
“Look, I’m sorry, it’s just my mom was in a really bad accident and I had to spend all night at the hospital,” moaned Benson, lying to his supervisor on the phone from the back seat of an Uber. “I’ll be there as soon as I possibly can.” Benson then directed his driver to circle around the block as he finished his “bomb-ass boomerang story” about riding in an Uber.
Arriving at his office a full 68 minutes late, Benson made a quick pit-stop to the bathroom to “check my likes and drop some fresh comments” from the comfort of a toilet stall.
At press time, Benson has received the “You’re all caught up” notification on Instagram while partway up the single flight of stairs to his office, but was gonna do a quick second pass to see if he had missed any gems.