Trump wondering how long he has to wait before offering Papa John cabinet position

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Sources within the Trump administration are reporting that the president has asked many of his top aides how long he has to pretend that he is not going to offer recently resign…

Local woman evangelizing for new diet like a burning bush told it to her

WINNIPEG – Since starting a ketogenic diet 4 days ago, Garden City resident Raekell Griggs has begun trying to recruit friends for the diet with a fervour usually only found in those who ar…

You’ll never believe how this millionaire who has access to the best healthcare in human history stays so young looking

LOS ANGELES – Everyone wants to know how actress, heiress and noted WOFPSWF (woman over forty people still wanna fuck) Simone Star maintains her youthful appearance, and finally her secret …

A&W Canada to replace plastic straws with organic 100% beef tubes

OTTAWA – In an effort to reduce petroleum waste, A&W Canada will phase out plastic straws by 2019, replacing them with grain-fed beef tubes. “A&W has long been an innovator in dri…

Study: Canadians unable to identify what a book is unless it has a ‘Heather’s Pick’ sticker

TORONTO – A groundbreaking new study from the University of Toronto has found that Canadians are unable to identify what a book is unless it has been ordained by Heather Reisman, CEO of Ind…

Greyhound cancellation: Saskatchewan government looking for new ways to ship homeless people to Vancouver

REGINA – The Saskatchewan government is scrambling to find a new way of solving its homeless problem instead of purchasing them a one-way ticket to Vancouver. Last week, Greyhound announced…

Self-involved friend thinks she’d make a great therapist

TORONTO, ON – After years of offering unsolicited advice to friends, family, and absolute strangers, local self-involved woman, Miranda Emmerson, announced to friends at a wedding Saturday …

Tiger Woods still looks tired from all that extramarital sex he was having a few years ago

JUPITER ISLAND, FL – Having not won a PGA tournament since 2013, a wide array of golf experts agreed on Thursday that golfing legend Tiger Woods still looks “very tired” from all that extra…

Eight year-old pretty sure her army dad is hiding in that cardboard box in the middle of school gymnasium

ST. LOUIS – Third grader Emily Harris is reporting a high degree of confidence that her father, who has been stationed in Afghanistan for almost 18 months, is hiding in that large, conspicuous bo…

New Ontario Safety Minister reveals he wore bulletproof vest to see Black Panther

TORONTO — Michael Tibollo, the first-time cabinet minister heading Ontario’s anti-racism directorate, informed the legislature that he recently wore a bulletproof vest to a screening of the…