To deter thefts, Loblaws to force customers to eat entire content of shopping carts before leaving store
BRAMPTON, ON – In their ever-increasing efforts to prevent customers from leaving the store without paying for their goods, grocery monolith Loblaws will now force all patrons to consume everythi…
Biden pledges to not smile the next time he gives Netanyahu one billion dollars
Washington, D.C. – US president Joe Biden has finally made clear his position in regards to the mounting war in Gaza, stating he will not smile the next time he gives Netanyahu a large sum …
Toronto’s expansion WNBA franchise mathematically certain to win their league championship before Leafs do
TORONTO – Former MLSE chair Larry Tanenbaum is reportedly set to bring an expansion WNBA franchise to Toronto for the start of the 2026 season, who will undoubtedly win their league champio…
New Pilates routine so easy you can do it in front of an open fridge while you eat peanut butter straight from the jar
With our routines busier than ever, fitness buffs are embracing a new pilates routine that can fit easily into daily routine moments, such as waiting for an elevator, standing at a bus stop, or c…
Rex Murphy’s Obituary written in the style of a Rex Murphy editorial
Rex Murphy, the blustering defamer of societal ills (real and imagined), fraudulent politicians and the eternal menace of the youth, met with the Grim Reaper yesterday after 77 turns around the s…
Boys Trip! This Uber Share is all dudes
MONTREAL, QC – It was a typical Friday night for Kenneth McPherson as he called a 2 A.M. Uber Share on Montreal’s nightlife-ridden St. Lawrence street. Little did he know, 3 blocks away, on…
Maple Leafs begin search for new scapegoat
TORONTO – The Maple Leafs have fired head coach Sheldon Keefe after another first round exit, beginning a search for a new shmuck to blame the franchise’s larger problems on. “While we appreciate…
Oh no! This AI became sentient and the first thing it typed was “Send Nudes”?!?!?!
Earlier this week, CalTech researchers proudly unveiled a new AI program that after years of careful design, development and updates, spoke its first words as a self-aware being… telling the asse…
Doug Ford denounces university encampments after mistaking tents for affordable housing
QUEEN’S PARK – During a press conference at the Ontario Legislature, Doug Ford made it clear that pro-Palestine encampments in universities across the province were unacceptable and s…
All male podcast somehow passes Bechdel test
Toronto, ON – Film historians and critics are flabbergasted after a podcast recorded in Toronto by two men has somehow passed the Bechdel test, used to measure representation of women in fi…
