Scheer checks into rehab for milk addiction

OTTAWA – Former Conservative Party Leader Andrew Scheer has checked himself into a treatment center for his milk addiction. “After a conversation with my kids, my loved ones, and my friends…

CPC furious after Scheer pays for private schooling with party funds instead of oil kickbacks

OTTAWA — As Andrew Scheer resigns the Conservative leadership, party leaders are furious he used campaign funds to pay for his children’s private schooling, as opposed to the usual so…

Andrew Scheer makes first savvy political calculation

OTTAWA – Sitting in a darkened room, his fingers steepled in contemplation above a chess board, the newly-resigned Conservative leader awaited the consequences of the first intelligent poli…

Dozens flee local bar after noticing microphone stand

LONDON, ON — What was supposed to be a regular night, at Dawson’s Pub and Eatery, turned to mayhem last night when the appearance of a microphone stand sent many patrons fleeing for their l…

20,000 lovers fill arena to watch their ex-man put on a ring

TORONTO – Roughly 20,000 broken-hearted people filled Scotiabank Centre to watch their ex man put on a ring. Millions more of the grief-stricken couldn’t look away from their television scr…

“Fuck it, put four dolphins on the cover” says exhausted textbook publisher

TORONTO – After struggling to find an appropriate visual representation of calculus that carried any sort of positive connotation, an exhausted textbook publisher finally gave up, throwing …

Kawhi celebrates return to Toronto by visiting his favourite H&R Block

TORONTO – Several months after leading the Raptors to their first NBA title Kawhi Leonard has returned to Toronto, so naturally has marked his return to the city by spending the afternoon a…

Public scandalized by city councillor’s request to be paid as much as camp counselor

OTTER LAKES, B.C. – After a city councillor in the small but growing B.C. community of Otter Lakes (pop. 100000) asked to be paid the same full-time salary as the town’s summer camp counsel…

Uncle launches full-scale investigation into where vegan nephew gets their protein

Peterborough, ON – Local uncle Jim Layton has begun a wide-ranging investigation after his nephew, Skylar Layton, has revealed he has been a vegan for two years yet is still able to live. “…

Liberals to finally repeal law requiring nation’s mothers to call us every time someone they know gets cancer

OTTAWA – The Liberal Party announced today that they will finally move forward to repeal the ‘Have You Heard About’ Law, which requires every Canadian mother to immediately phon…