Ben Mulroney steps aside from ETalk to make space for White Saviour complex
TORONTO – Amidst the controversy surrounding wife Jessica Mulroney, Etalk anchor Ben Mulroney has announced his departure from the show in order to focus on his white savior complex. “I lov…
Nation’s pugs demand to sneeze into your mouth
OTTAWA – A press statement released by the Pug Unification Guild this morning, stated that the nation’s pugs demand access to human mouths in order to sneeze into them. “While there are man…
Report: your screen time was down 9% from last week for an average of 14 hours a day
OTTAWA – After spending 16 hours and 15 minutes per day on your phone last week early reports from your iPhone screen time alert indicate that number is down to a marginally less alarming 1…
Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads still putting finishing touches on #BlackLivesMatter statement
TOPEKA, KS – Following the lead of other major corporate brands like Walmart, JP Morgan Chase, and the NFL, executives at the head office of Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads have been hard at…
Local father tries to remember not to call himself ‘daddy’ when his children aren’t around
REVELSTOKE, BC – Father of three Brian O’Shaughnessy is trying hard to scale back his habit of referring to himself as ‘Daddy’ instead of ‘Brian’ in conversations where he is not speaking d…
Inclusivity win! Hallmark introduces golf-free Father’s Day cards
In anticipation of this year’s Father’s Day, Hallmark has released a set of greeting cards that finally pays homage to all the fathers who do not play golf. Whereas before the only kind of Father…
As U.S. celebrates 155 years since end of slavery, Canada celebrates 153 years of pretending we never had slavery
OTTAWA – Yesterday the U.S. commemorated Juneteenth, the day widely regarded as marking the official end of slavery in the U.S., and today Canada is preparing to celebrate our 153rd straigh…
5 Father’s Day gifts that will almost make up for not going to law school
Father’s Day is almost here and, if you’re like me, you haven’t gotten your dad anything, let alone anything that will finally get him to forgive you for not going to law school! While nothing wi…
Canada wins seat on UN Insecurity Council
NEW YORK – Claiming that they “will probably just fuck it up like we always do”, Canadian diplomats celebrated the country’s election to a seat on the United Nations Insecurity Council. “It…
UFC Fight Island inhabitants resist allure of the Conch, establish socialist utopia
ABU DHABI – In the midst of preparation for UFC 251, officials and fighters have overcome the power of the bewitching Conch they stumbled upon, and set up a socialist system of government o…
