OTTAWA – The Canadian Northern Economic Development Agency revealed today new job numbers indicating that the Agency has been responsible for rapid job growth in the isolated region of down…
National
Conservatives unveil new ‘just fuck shit up before 2015’ plan
OTTAWA – After a year plagued by scandal and unpopular legislation, representatives of the Harper government have announced that the administration’s new strategy is to just try and pass as…
BREAKING: The Beaverton has received a videotape of Rob Ford not smoking crack
TORONTO – In a shocking twist, The Beaverton has received an exclusive video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford not smoking crack cocaine, stumbling drunkenly, or shouting any ethnic slurs. In spite…
Writers of popular Rob Ford dramedy criticized for recurring crack cocaine plot device
TORONTO – Viewership for the once wildly popular primetime show Mayor Ford has been steadily declining after writers used crack cocaine to advance the plot for the second straight season. The awa…
Cigarette butt named official flower of Montreal
MONTREAL – Canada’s second largest city is adopting the common cigarette butt as its official flower emblem. The City of Montreal selected the cigarette butt since they are the most common …
Harper apologizes for his children’s behaviour, was unaware that alcohol existed
Prime Minister Harper apologized today for the drinking that caused a young woman to be hospitalized during his son Ben’s 18th birthday party on Wednesday, explaining he would never had allowed i…
McDonald’s Canada CEO fired, replaced by temporary foreign worker
TORONTO – After calling reports that McDonald’s uses foreign labour “bullshit”, CEO John Betts has been let go and replaced with a temporary foreign worker. “We decided that Joh…
CBC cuts force Radio 2 to just play a loon’s call on repeat
TORONTO – Due to the $130 million cuts to Canada’s national public broadcaster this year, CBC’s Radio 2 has been forced to reduce its broadcast to playing the call of a loon on repeat durin…
Air Canada admits it dropped the bag on luggage handling
SAINT-LAURENT, QC – Air Canada responded to a video of its passengers’ carry-on bags being tossed off the end of a jetway by admitting on Tuesday that they had dropped the bag on luggage ha…
Exasperated taxidermist gives up, says he’ll have a look at your tax return
MONTREAL – Tired of explaining what he actually does for a living, exasperated taxidermist Steve Fleischer says fine, he’ll have a look at your tax returns. “I give up,” sighs the 42 year-old. “A…
