VANCOUVER – Rising COVID-19 case numbers across the country have led to an increased risk of killing the vibe at an otherwise pretty lit house party, according to several partying sources. …
Lifestyle
Canadian vampires can’t agree if blood should come in bags, jugs, or cartons
CALGARY – Canada’s vampire community is once again embroiled in the age-old question of whether it’s more Canadian to drink blood from a bag, a jug, or a carton. “I think it all comes down …
“I’m chill about menstruation,” boasts man who has obviously never heard of chunky days
WINDSOR, ON – Yesterday, 35 year-old software developer Daniel Moore was overheard bragging to female friends that he was “totally cool with periods,” a phrase that very clearly revealed the fact…
Woman’s retirement plan crumbles after she accounts for living, laughing, but not loving
TORONTO – In a horrifying discovery yesterday, Kimberly Atkinson’s meticulously-researched retirement plans were torn apart after the 33 year-old interior designer realized that she had painstaki…
Optimistic woman only burns June pages of 2020 planner
TORONTO – As provincial governments are taking slow and measured steps towards loosening social distancing regulations, 26 year-old Montana Tremeshko destroyed only the June pages of her 20…
Burglar who hid under bed to avoid getting caught has been waiting two months for woman to leave apartment
VANCOUVER – When cat burglar Blanche Hudson dove under the bed of intended victim Jane Davis after Davis unexpectedly returned home during an attempted robbery, Hudson had no idea that she …
Spine of woman crouched in front of laptop achieves Golden Ratio
MARKHAM, ON – In the act of crouching over her laptop for hours on end, Salma Kuchis managed to finally curl her spine perfectly into the approximation of the Golden Ratio. “Here I was thin…
Canada Post overwhelmed by volume of wistful love-letters sent to nation’s eyebrow estheticians
OTTAWA – As a result of COVID-19 public safety measures, thousands of salons nationwide have closed down. Without access to regular eyebrow maintenance appointments, women have begun floodi…
Quarantined couple attempt to spice up relationship by putting pants on
TORONTO – Monica Gonzales and Tom Meyer, a couple living in downtown Toronto, had been self-isolating together for over a month when they felt their relationship growing stale. The couple, …
Local woman claims daily routine of panic, anguish, and despair really helps to centre her
EDMONTON – Recently laid-off Natalie Ramires has been evangelizing about the benefits of a fixed daily schedule built upon panic, anguish and despair during self-isolation. “I live alone, …
