TORONTO – Sally Hutton was disappointed today when her crush Diego Michaels posted a picture of a sunset to his close friends Instagram story, a feature where Instagram users can share upda…
Lifestyle
Inspirational Quote a day Calendar way too bossy
LETHBRIDGE, AB – The Inspirational Quote-A-Day calendar adorning the desk of Sharon Wilson is way too bossy. What started out as a fun way to start the day is now a demanding drill sergeant…
Five tips for growing tulips powerful enough to destroy Dutch economy
It seems with the tough year we’ve all been having, everyone’s been getting the green thumb. Plants and flowers galore! So we’ve compiled the five most crucial tips for growing tulips! In fact, w…
Coolest cousin ages into cautionary tale
WINNIPEG – This week 15 year old Adam Black was sad to realize that his favourite cousin James “DirtBag” Carl had aged from an ultra-cool-free-spirit hipster to an objectively sad and cauti…
Canadian government releases PSA reintroducing the concept of time
Ottawa, ON – Following over a year of pandemic induced lockdown, a government PSA seeks to help Canadians rethink their relations to the fourth dimension. “The first step is to re…
Fully vaccinated grandparents descend on nation’s strip clubs
OTTAWA – As elderly Canadians receive their second COVID vaccine before younger citizens, hordes of thirsty seniors are flooding into the nation’s strip clubs. “I spent quarantine worrying I’d ha…
Natural deodorant deemed a waste of nature
TOFINO, BC – After trying multiple brands and formulations of natural deodorant, it’s been decided that natural deodorant is absolutely a waste of nature. Our planet deserves better than to…
Ikea introduces pre-packaged little black hairs for men to sprinkle over their bathrooms
CONSHOHOCKEN, PA – Ikea today announced their latest product, the Grovahårstrån – pre-packaged little black hairs for single men to decoratively sprinkle all over their lonesome bathr…
Houseplant overwhelmed by task of brightening bachelor apartment
HAMILTON – A lone succulent is said to be overwhelmed with the task of brightening 28-year-old Gavin Isaac’s bachelor apartment. The nine-dollar plant was purchased yesterday from the…
Male ally suggests women who don’t want to be attacked surgically implant keys between fingers like Wolverine
CALGARY – Darin Hendricks, a self-identified male feminist ally, thinks women who don’t want to be attacked should have their keys surgically implanted between their fingers like Wolverine.…
