OTTAWA – As concerns mount that Canada may be “last in line” for access to the COVID-19 vaccines being developed, American pharmaceutical companies have reassured Canadians that…
Health
Midwives offer contactless deliveries
SASKATOON – Amid growing COVID numbers and increased hospital regulations, midwives across the country have begun to offer contactless deliveries to ease the minds of new parents. In a pres…
Aunt Ruth to finally take COVID seriously now that she knows dogs can catch it
NIAGARA – Reports from within your family indicate a huge burden was lifted today, as sources indicate that Aunt Ruth finally plans to take COVID seriously solely for the wellness of her th…
REPORT: Couples most successful at quarantining when one a master of disguise
CALGARY – According to a new study from the University of Calgary’s Sociology Department, during the 2020 global pandemic the couples having the most success cohabitating are those where on…
COVID cases replaces racism as thing Canadians think they handle better than the States
NATIONWIDE – A new survey has revealed that racism has been replaced by COVID statistics as the number one source of contempt for the United States amongst Canadians. “I’m just glad I live …
Mental health experts recommend eating a block of Parmesan over the sink and lying about it
In these difficult times, many are struggling to maintain good mental health in the face of social isolation and economic uncertainty. Health experts warn that it’s important to make time and spa…
Dad reporting daily COVID numbers to family with intensity of Wall Street day trader
TORONTO – For the past couple months, Mohamed Tekin has been diligently reporting daily COVID numbers to his family. However, within the last month, the father of three’s obsession with fol…
Toronto bar enforces occupancy limit by starting open mic night
TORONTO – With the current pandemic requiring businesses to restrict the number of people inside, the management of downtown bar McTavish’s Pub have determined the most natural way to…
Anti-mask protest unites Toronto’s ‘moron’ and ‘asshole’ communities
TORONTO – This weekend thousands gathered for an anti-mask protest in downtown Toronto which successfully combined the city’s notoriously exclusive ‘moron’ and ‘asshole’ constituencies. As …
Health Canada announces doctors no longer allowed to prescribe ‘Good Lovin’
OTTAWA – Health Canada has put an end to the common practice by family doctors of prescribing ‘good lovin’ as a cure for a number of illnesses, particularly those accompanied by a fever. He…
