TORONTO – The Toronto Catholic School Board has announced that schools will reopen with regular class sizes in the hopes that students will get sick and join God sooner. “The government isn…
Education
Philosopher doesn’t feel so smart after getting run over by trolley
MISSISSAUGA, ON – A local philosopher has found himself rethinking his active career, worried that academia may have failed him following a Sunday morning dilemma that ended with the 42-yea…
9-year-old college prodigy wins third consecutive game of beer pong
LONDON, ON – Gabriel Thompson, the 9 year-old child genius who made waves by being admitted into Major Biology and Mathematics program at Western, is reportedly kicking ass at a game of bee…
“Fuck it, put four dolphins on the cover” says exhausted textbook publisher
TORONTO – After struggling to find an appropriate visual representation of calculus that carried any sort of positive connotation, an exhausted textbook publisher finally gave up, throwing …
3rd grader informs classmates he can kill a man with any object
EDMONTON — CSIS recruiters likely have an eye on Northwood Elementary 3rd grader Dustin Fuller after he bragged to classmates that he can kill a man with any object. “If I had to fight someone li…
New Explore program immerses Ontario teens with Quebec’s alcohol, Quebec teens with Ontario’s pot
OTTAWA – With the Quebec government announcing that it will restrict the age for purchasing cannabis at 21, an intensive immersion program has added a new initiative for intercultural alcoh…
Schools complain student climate strikes affecting their ability to teach kids apathy
CALGARY – As millions of youths all over the world strike to demand action on the climate crisis, schools are concerned that the outpouring of activism is undoing all the work they’ve put i…
Conservatives drop private school tax deduction after realizing higher enrollment might lead to poors mixing with the quality
OTTAWA – As the federal election looms, Conservative leader Andrew Scheer has gone back on his promise to give a $4000 tax credit to offset the costs of private school tuition after wealthy…
STUDY: Average Canadian reads 97% less after getting too old for Scholastic book fair
HALIFAX — Researchers at Dalhousie University have determined that most Canadians’ volume of reading plummets over 97% after they leave elementary school, and thusly age out of the Scholast…
Mirthless sociopath has the gall to ask for notes after missing every class
WATERLOO, ON – Deep in the trenches of Wilfrid Laurier University’s exam period, Jake Ripper, known sociopath, had the audacity to ask around for notes after missing every single class in t…