CONNECTICUT – A devastating explosion at Frito-Lays’ Cheetos factory last Thursday – which has left 82 wounded and 27 still missing – was insensitively categorized as a level “d…
Dumb Week
Swifties not even that fast
SAINT-LOUIS-DU-HA!-HA!, QC – Taylor Swift fans – or colloquially known as “swifties” – are reportedly not as fast as their name suggests. “9 mins a kilometer” states anthropolog…
Our rankings of this year’s Best and Worst Grandmas
With the year almost at an end, join as we rate the best and worst grams, grammys, gam-gams, and gamilgans on display over the past 12 months: 1) BEST – Gramma Bess What an absolute ch…
Breakout star of reality show based at “The Nanny” action-figure factory says “I’m not here to make Frans”
NEW YORK CITY – Fans of the new series Nanny Knickknacks, which focuses on the high-pressure drama at Brooklyn’s premier factory for manufacturing action figures based on the hit sitcom The…
Man uses remainder of year’s health benefits on half-a-dozen vasectomies
VICTORIA – Management consultant Howard Bear is using up the remainder of his yearly workplace medical benefits at his local vasectomy clinic, according to local sources. “I don’t really enjoy ac…
Woman neglects to say “be careful,” resulting in boyfriend bumbling into active volcano
BRANDON, MB — Local girlfriend Teresa Waldner failed to remind boyfriend Todd Derksen to be careful yesterday, resulting in his bumbling straight into the mouth of an erupting volcano. “Oh, god,…
Checked luggage takes year off to travel
WARSAW, POLAND – A piece of checked luggage on a recent domestic Canadian flight has decided to take the year off to travel. “Ever since I came out of the closet last week, I’ve felt this urge to…
Study shows humans swallow average of 47,980 spiders a year each due to sample’s inclusion of Stanley, the Amazing Spider-Eating Maniac
CALGARY – The unprecedented finding in a recent scientific publication about the ingestion of arachnids by humans was discovered to be fundamentally flawed due to the inclusion of a well-known lu…
Task proves easy, falls short of “peasy”
STITTSVILLE, ON — Local graphic designer Anna-Maria Monteiro cancelled her subscription to a stock image website today, a minor task she found easy, but not peasy. “It’s been hard to find the ti…
Poe scholars uncover early “The Pita Pit and the Pendulum” draft
KINGSTON – Queen’s University scholars have announced the discovery of a preliminary draft of Edgar Allen Poe’s famous “The Pit and the Pendulum” set in Canada’s famous quick-service pita c…