Markham, ON – Local man, Mark Hamilton, stores his milk carton on it’s side like a goddamn fucking animal. “It’s just more ergonomic this way,” stated a deranged Hamilton, who wedged the af…
Report: Casa Loma just some rich guy’s house
TORONTO – After decades of research, local historian Dr. Suraj Burnman has conclusively reported that Casa Loma is just some rich guy’s house. “The way people from Toronto talk about it, yo…
Neat! This person who didn’t take the lockdown seriously is about to get vaccinated before you
TORONTO, ONT – Local resident, Tom Anderson, who didn’t follow any lockdown rules, is about to get vaccinated before you. Awesome! “This pandemic has been very hard,” began Anderson, who ju…
Dentist fooled by patient who brushed teeth really well just before annual visit
WATERLOO, ONT – Local dentist, Dr. Rita Johnson, was reportedly fooled into thinking her patient had excellent oral hygiene even though they only brushed their teeth really well moments bef…
Man without mask immune to COVID “because he’s outside”
MISSISSAUGA – Local area man, Garth Fuller, is reportedly immune to COVID because “he’s outside” and therefore, is not required to wear a mask. “It’s something with the wind,” said Garth Fu…
Person who has been out of work unable to pay for therapy to help deal with being out of work
TORONTO – Local Torontonian Jamie Fellows, who has been unemployed for seven months, is unable to pay for therapy to help deal with the stress of being unemployed because they are unemploye…
Opinion: How do we know for certain that the yellow snow isn’t lemonade?
BY CAMERON BUCKET Hear me out: I was strolling through the park, on one of my daily walks, when I passed a snow bank covered in yellow stains. Common sense told me not to eat the yellow snow. But…
5 ways to spot which Facebook friend is about to post a think piece on why “Valentine’s Day is a capitalistic trap”
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and so is the looming threat of a Facebook post by that friend of yours who needs you to know that you’re scum for celebrating Valentine’s Day! We all k…
Made-in-Canada vaccine is honestly just happy to be here
NATIONWIDE – A made-in-Canada vaccine has begun human clinical trials this week and sources reveal that it’s just happy to be in the mix. “I guess we’re a little late to the party, eh?” sai…
5 ways to console a man’s ego after calling him out on his shit
Did you disagree with a man? Is he sulking but he won’t tell you why? Are you now stuck in this odd place where he’s mad at you for calling him out, even though you were absolutely in the right t…