OTTAWA – With the carbon tax expected to soon meet its demise in Parliament, the Liberal party is planning an environmentally friendly burial for the departed bill. “We’re going to ma…
Study: Earth will never save enough daylight to retire
MILKY WAY GALAXY – A new study suggests that, despite giving up countless hours of sleep each year, the planet Earth will never accumulate enough daylight to give up its 8760-hour orbit. “W…
First shorts-wearing jogger of winter spotted
WINNIPEG – A shorts-clad jogger has been spotted running in the River Heights neighbourhood, a sight that all metropolitan Canadians know heralds the true beginning of winter. “He was so ma…
CRA in blind panic after someone completes tax return in January
OTTAWA – The Canadian Revenue Agency is reportedly in a state of total meltdown after receiving a complete tax report in the first few weeks of the new year. “I have no idea how the fuck th…
Lame Planetarium doesn’t contain any planets
JASPER, AB – A new review of The Jasper Planetarium has exposed a major flaw in the facility, that it does not house any actual planets and is in fact a glorified observatory. “I came here …
Study: visions of Sugarplums may be sign of acute eggnog poisoning
OTTAWA – A new study by Health Canada and several associated medical boards has found that pre-Christmas dreams of sugarplums dancing in someone’s head may be a warning sign they’ve c…
Weird, did you know they have conservatorships for men too?
Stop what you’re doing and prepare to panic. A new examination of American law has found that even male adults can be placed under a conservatorship. While statistically unlikely, it seems …
Las Vegas residents concerned as The Sphere begins to open
LAS VEGAS – Nevada citizens have reported worrying, as earlier today the entertainment and arts venue known as The Sphere reportedly began opening at the top, and is continuing at a gradual…
Disney defends use of AI, “We can’t freeze everyone’s head”
BURBANK, CA – The Walt Disney Corporation has spoken out in support of AI programs that might supplant actors and writers, stating that it could save them from the unmanageable expense of c…
Local children not at all scared by haunted House of Commons
OTTAWA – The federal government’s attempt to entertain young Halloween visitors fell flat on its face this year, as almost no child has reported being scared by the main attraction: a…
