NEW YORK CITY, NY – The General Assembly of the United Nations has passed a resolution acknowledging the 1994 Star Trek: The Next Generation episode “Sub Rosa” as the most important cultural achi…
Doctor who kept telling depressed patients to see a clown finally loses license
SASKATOON – After years of criticism regarding his controversial approach to mental health, family physician Russell Wendt has lost his medical license for continually suggesting that depressed p…
Queen ant gets 27,000 cards for Mother’s Day
BRANTFORD, ON – The queen of a local ant colony awoke on Mother’s Day to find herself bombarded with thousands upon thousands of cards from her children. “Thank you, Anthony, that’s very sweet,” …
Jason Kenney’s new restrictions include his sternest frowning yet
EDMONTON – Jason Kenney frowned directly into the camera for several minutes before announcing a new set of restrictions to combat Alberta’s soaring COVID rates. “Okay, you guys, this one’s for …
“This is so Kafkaesque,” says man with penis stuck in watermelon
AIRDRIE, AB – In a harrowing ordeal that serves as a trenchant insight into the alienation fundamental to the human condition, Charles Sharp’s wing wang is currently jammed in a 23 pound watermel…
Dead whale really ruining the experience of being carried across beach by God
NANAIMO, BC – According to local sources, the rotting carcass of a beached grey whale has complicated Becky Shelton’s profound spiritual crisis. “Don’t get me wrong, I love that God is here to c…
“I’m just so proud to be Canadian,” says celebrity who lives in Bermuda for tax purposes
LOS ANGELES, CA – A prominent celebrity has told the Beaverton that they “couldn’t be prouder to be Canadian,” while requesting anonymity so as to avoid an investigation by the CRA. The celebrity…
Nintendo announces that the last of your neglected Animal Crossing villagers have died
REDMOND, WASHINGTON – As part of their latest update to Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Nintendo announced that players who haven’t visited their island in several months have doomed their animal …
Albertans pleasantly surprised that only 17 of their representatives admit to wanting them dead
EDMONTON – After 17 members of Jason Kenney’s government signed a letter opposing his latest lockdown, Albertans were relieved to discover that the number of MLAs who would explicitly sacrifice t…
April Jason Kenney refuses to give in to the radical agenda of February Jason Kenney
EDMONTON – In a press conference on Alberta’s latest COVID spike, Premier Jason Kenney vowed that the province would not enter another lockdown no matter how often extremists like the Jason Kenne…
