LOS ANGELES – Following his latest nomination for a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award, rapper Drake has announced that coincidentally several kids are also nominated for his long-running Drake’…
Loblaws promises to lower grocery prices as soon as Leafs win three rounds in the playoffs
TORONTO – Loblaws announced this week that it will lower its record-breaking prices once the Toronto Maple Leafs stumble their way into a third round victory for the first time in their franchise…
4 hangover cures that aren’t as good as playing Home for a Rest by beloved Canadian folk rock band Spirit of the West at full volume
We’ve all been there. Nauseous, bleary, remembering that you puked a kiddie pool’s worth of green lager onto your boss’s dog at the St. Paddy’s day staff party. And we all know that the only way …
Buckingham Palace struggling to enforce Return to Office policy
LONDON – Staffers at Buckingham Palace are frustrated that the Royal Family will not comply with orders to return to on-site work. “I know that we all got used to working remotely during lo…
Previously retired CanadARM bagging groceries to make ends meet
REGINA, SK – Due to rising food prices, inflation, and the general cost of living, the formerly-retired CanadaARM1 has rejoined the workforce by taking on a part-time job at Loblaws. “A lot…
Parliament’s Elf On The Shelf turns out to be Pierre Poilievre in a little scarf
OTTAWA – Shockwaves spread throughout the House this week when staffers realized that the vaguely threatening elf watching their every move was actually the leader of the Opposition in a fe…
Local intellectual pumped to spend two weeks saying, “Um, I think you mean American Thanksgiving”
VANCOUVER – Local genius and free thinker Andy Hammond is amped to spend the next several weeks reminding his American friends and relatives that the holiday they are about to celebrate in …
Anti-LGBTQ+ protestors warn exposing kids to queer content will lead to uptick in Dan Levy gifs
OTTAWA – In the midst of Canada-wide protests from anti-LGBTQ+ hate groups, protestors warn that teaching inclusive curriculums will increase the volume of online reaction gifs featuring si…
Struggling Canadian Military recruits Neighbour Kid with Supersoaker
OTTAWA – The federal government announced plans this week to upgrade their dated military by hiring the most powerful weapon they can think of: an eight-year-old with a water gun. “For years, our…
Marineland announces “Chuck A Toaster In There” Day
NIAGARA, ON – Marineland Canada is proud to announce that it will host “Chuck A Toaster In There” Day, where guests are invited to murder animals at rates normally reserved for the pa…