Period-havers rejoice! Thanks to an exciting new development in IUD technology, with the Meelywna device, you’ll never have to suffer through another menstrual cycle again. The catch? When you cr…
Mueller attaches literal smoking gun to report just to keep those fuckers happy
Washington D.C.— Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller has reportedly taken the unprecedented step of appending a recently used Colt 45 to his special report to U.S. Attorney General William Barr in …
Nation stunned to learn schools that charge $50,000 per year unfairly favour rich people
LOS ANGELES — In the wake of revelations that dozens of wealthy individuals have used fraudulent schemes to gain their children admission to top universities, Americans are reporting utter shock …
Local man wearing baseball cap in February like winter some kind of fucking game
CALGARY—Reports have confirmed that local dickhead, Tyler Brin, has been walking around, outside, in February in a piddling little baseball cap, as though cold weather is a funny little goddamn j…
Hottest New Year’s diet trend just looking in the mirror and saying ‘you’re a bad person and I don’t like you’
The New Year is upon us! While lots of us are sticking to our New Year’s resolutions to eat healthier, some of us are looking to start a diet that’s a little less demanding. But never fear! A who…
5 Last-Minute holiday gifts for your parents that aren’t giving them grandchildren
Happy Holidays! Searching for one last present to put a smile on your mom or dad’s face? Well look no further: here are some terrific ideas for that special little something, other than to stop m…
Stereotypes flipped! This toy company has its play tool sets assembled by girls
Some say genders are innate and can’t be changed by society. Well one incredible toy company is proving them wrong, by showing little girls everywhere that it’s not just boys who get to cast, ass…
Insufferable hipster blossoms into insufferable yuppie
VICTORIA, B.C. — Friends and family of local man James Yorn have reported a mixture of joy and pride on seeing their friend mature from a shallow, self-absorbed, pretentious hipster to an e…
Baby determined to put entire housecat in mouth
VANCOUVER—Reports have confirmed that nine-month old Madison Karn wants more than anything in the world to fit her parents’ 10-year old Himalayan mix cat, Mittens, entirely into her mouth. Madiso…
Woman who subscribes to 4 podcasts about child murder described as ‘happy-go-lucky’
CALGARY — Local woman Katie Johnston, who listens to approximately 3-5 longform stories each week involving grizzly deaths and/or serious crimes against innocent, usually helpless people, is cons…
