VANCOUVER – In a rare interview, a sea bird floating off the pacific coast of British Columbia has confirmed that, although it is currently struggling to breathe around plastic straw wedged…
Conservatives oppose NDP-Liberal Dental Care Plan with proposed “fuck you, let ‘em rot” plan
OTTAWA – In an unsurprising move, the Conservative Party of Canada have opposed a potential NDP-Liberal universal dental care plan, and instead proposing their own “fuck you, let ‘em rot” p…
Millennial in six-figure debt for education dreams of someday being in six-figure debt for house
HAMILTON – Local 31-year-old Madison Clair, a newly licensed veterinarian who currently owes a combined total of $118,846 in federal and provincial student loans, reports that her greatest …
“We’re all going to get COVID eventually,” says man about to give you HPV
BRIDGEWATER – There’s no point trying to prevent COVID because we’re all just going to get it eventually, says a man who is perhaps only a few hours away from infecting you with human papil…
Population of Manitoba plummets when residents realize they’re allowed to leave
WINNIPEG -The Province of Manitoba has experienced a devastating population collapse after former residents learned that they could just, like, leave whenever they wanted to, and it wasn’t even i…
Experts confirm that global supply chain is now just one dude named Greg doing his best
TORONTO – As the world continues to experience worsening product shortages and shipping delays, experts have now confirmed that the planet’s global supply chain is down to just one lone man…
“Did a thing!” posts white woman who has either cut her hair or invaded the nation of Kosovo
WINNIPEG – Friends and family of Jennifer Higgens reacted with trepidation after the 32-year-old tweeted that she “did a thing” this past Saturday afternoon, unsure if their loved one had e…
Trudeau promises to stop swearing in House of Commons if it’ll keep you stupid cunts happy
OTTAWA – After being accused of dropping an f-bomb during Parliamentary proceedings, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has promised to no longer swear in the House of Commons if that’s really w…
Award-winning death metal band turns out to be dishwasher full of old nails
STOCKHOLM – Fans of the Swedish death metal band Malfunctioning Whirlpool were shocked to discover that the hit musical group is actually nothing more than recordings of an old dishwasher r…
Oil and gas companies team up to fight climate change by eliminating “Warmest Regards”
CALGARY – Several giants of the Canadian oil and gas industry announced this week that they have teamed up to fight climate change by banning all employees from signing off emails with the …
