THE INTERNET – Despite you not asking for it even once, Facebook says it’s ready and waiting to remind you of that Minions meme your now-dead aunt posted three years ago. “Remember this?” s…
BREAKING: Minister of Fisheries inches way to top of mast as sharks circle his sinking vessel
INTERNATIONAL WATERS – With the lower decks taking on water and all his life rafts destroyed, Minister of Fisheries Dominic LeBlanc is climbing to the top of his ship’s mast in order to esc…
Level-headed man won’t judge Trump until he reads harrowing account of presidency written by 13 year-old Jewish girl forced to hide in attic
TORONTO – Despite over a year of divisive campaigning and hundreds of inflammatory comments, local man Derek Miller says he’ll only condemn Trump if a publishing house releases the affectin…
Struggling Toronto Symphony Orchestra rebrands as buddy-cop comedy
TORONTO – Following yet another quarter of disappointing returns, the Toronto Symphony Orchestra has decided to rebrand itself into a buddy-cop comedy. “Let’s be frank, most people don’t kn…
Toronto City Council approves subway extension that goes one stop then immediately runs off cliff
TORONTO – After months of debate, Toronto’s City Council has finally approved a new subway extension that will provide access to the eastern portion of the GTA before immediately plunging i…
Report: Looks like that monk wasn’t the cool, fighting kind
HALIFAX – Witnesses to the brutal street beatdown of a monk say that, if they weren’t sure before they certainly were now, he almost definitely doesn’t know any sort of martial art. “Oh cra…
Armed poll-watcher forgets to vote
ASHE COUNTY, NC – After spending a full 13 hours standing next to his local polling station holding an AR-15, Arliss Connaught has suddenly realized that he forgot to vote. “Well shoot,” sa…
Fuck-swing breaks day after warranty expires
BRANDON, MB – Despite assurances from the manufacturer that this would be “the last fuck-swing you’ll ever buy”, the SwayGasm Mk. IV purchased by Dave Lewis, 46, and Martha Lewis, 44, has b…
Blackberry to stop making phones, transition into palm pilots
WATERLOO – After struggling to keep sales up, Blackberry has decided it will cease making its keyboard phone so it can shift focus to manufacturing palm pilots. “Based on our 2015 research,…
Environment Canada requests additional funding to replace obsolete wildlife
OTTAWA – Following a disappointing lack of innovation in both the flora and fauna sectors, Environment Minister Catherine McKenna has requested additional federal funds to improve Canada…