HOLLYWOOD – In the wake of news that Rick and Morty co-creator Justin Roiland was charged with felony domestic abuse, Adult Swim has announced plans to sever ties with the problematic EP an…
Zellers stores to return now that this online shopping fad has blown over
OTTAWA – Zellers has announced that this year they will open 25 retail pop-up stores across Canada, now that consumers have “finally gotten tired of online shopping”. “We here at Zellers kn…
Ford unsure if he should sell Ontario healthcare system to Loblaws, Tim Hortons, or Nestlé
QUEEN’S PARK – As Premier Doug Ford announces that he will expand surgeries available at for-profit clinics, insiders report he is still deciding which megacorporation to eventually sell On…
Trump sues far-right Brazilian protestors for trademark infringement
BRASILIA – As far-right supporters of former Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro riot in the country’s capital to protest his electoral loss, former US president Donald Trump has sued them f…
Twitter bans journalists for failing to report on how much Elon Musk supports free speech
SAN FRANCISCO – Several prominent journalists have found their Twitter accounts permanently suspended under grounds that they spent insufficient time reporting on how Twitter CEO Elon Musk …
Premiers demand more healthcare funding to spend on fuck you, that’s what
WINNIPEG – A recent meeting of Canada’s Premiers has seen the provincial leaders urgently request that Prime Minister Trudeau provide increased healthcare funding, to be spent on none of yo…
Marit Stiles named Ontario NDP Leader after everyone else yells “Not it!”
TORONTO – Davenport MPP Marit Stiles has been named leader of the Ontario NDP after literally every other member of the party jumped backward, touched their noses, and yelled “Not it!” at t…
Doug Ford extends Black Friday Sale on greenbelt land
QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford announced he is extending his government’s Black Friday Greenbelt Land Sale, allowing real estate moguls and elite donors to purchase only-recently developa…
Halifax Oyster Fest mascot and Woody the Christmas Tree battle for control of harbour
HALIFAX – Scores of Haligonians were forced to evacuate their homes and business this morning as Pearl, the grotesque Oyster Fest mascot, and Woody, the horrifying talking Christmas tree, e…
BREAKING: Donald Trump announces whatever it takes to get on TV again
PALM BEACH, FL – In a late-breaking address live from his Mar-A-Lago beach resort, former President Donald Trump has announced that he is willing to say or do absolutely anything whatsoever…
