By The Beaverton Editorial Staff, aka Supreme Rulers of Truth and Fact Greetings subjects! As you may have read, back in the Before Times when factual news articles weren’t yet banned from this s…
Desperate Nova Scotians sacrifice Theodore Tugboat to raging wildfire
HALIFAX – As multiple wildfires continue to burn across the province, Nova Scotians have decided as a last-ditch effort to sacrifice beloved life-sized children’s character Theodore Tugboat…
Elon Musk assures users his latest tweet too funny to be antisemitic
SAN FRANCISCO – Following backlash against his latest tweet that once again indulges in antisemitic conspiracy theories against George Soros, Twitter CEO Elon Musk has assured users that hi…
“If I’m guilty then how do you explain the hundreds of sexual assaults I got away with” asks Trump
MANHATTAN, NY – Following a jury’s verdict that he had sexually abused magazine writer E. Jean Carroll in the 1990s and then defamed her, former US president Donald Trump has insisted on hi…
Poilievre asks Elon Musk to label CBC as “government-funded media” and also to come to his birthday party
OTTAWA – Conservative opposition leader Pierre Poilievre has reached out publicly to Twitter CEO Elon Musk, asking him to label CBC as “government-funded media” and also if he wants to atte…
Danielle Smith’s work as premier revealed to be 90% interfering in COVID prosecutions, 10% cowboy hat photo ops
EDMONTON – Following recent revelations, observers have determined that Danielle Smith’s official calendar of duties as Alberta’s Premier consists entirely of 90% inappropriately communicat…
Following thundersnow storm Toronto calls in army just in case
TORONTO – In the wake of Friday night’s uniquely meteorological event which saw both heavy snow as well as thunder and lightning, the city of Toronto has elected to once again call in the m…
TikTok faces investigation from Canadian privacy WOW look at that fun dance HEY a cool dog
OTTAWA – Canada’s federal privacy watchdog, along with three provincial counterparts, has launched a joint investigation into the controversial social media WHOA check out that hashtag chal…
Loblaws credits record profits to “raising prices on things humans need to live”
BRAMPTON, ON – Loblaw Companies Ltd.’s fourth-quarter results beat analysts’ expectations, which executives credit to the grocery giant’s corporate strategy of “gouging people f…
Emergencies Act report finds that assholes were indeed assholes
OTTAWA – The highly-anticipated Emergencies Act Inquiry report by Commissioner Paul Rouleau finds that the Trudeau Government’s invocation of the act did indeed meet the legislation&#…
