MONTREAL – This Wednesday, Bloc Québécois Leader Yves-François Blanchet has threatened to force a federal election in the fall, an election that he promises to lose. Blanchet’s remark comes…
Report: It never right temperature outside
LONDON, ON – In an explosively damning report published by the University of Western Ontario, researchers found that the temperature outside “never right.” Though the report was expected to…
Football fan itching to see long-term brain damage in person again
CLEVELAND, OH – As many worry about the start of the NFL season amid Covid-19, Cleveland Browns’ fan Scoot Donnel has been eagerly anticipating returning to the stands to watch his team exp…
Woman late to join Animal Crossing has been making mortgage payments to raccoon outside apartment
THORNHILL, ON – Four months after the release of the wildly popular video game Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Leondra Mendoza sat down with her partner to admit to them that she had been ma…
Fruit fly just wants to suck and fuck on your watermelon rinds
KITCHENER, ON – A notorious fruit fly that has been pestering the home of a local couple, has finally been captured early this morning. When his motives were questioned, the fruit fly simpl…
Summer camp cancellations deprive millions of tweens access to first-base
MUSKOKA, ON – After the news that overnight camps would be suspended this year due to the COVID-19 pandemic, millions of tweens were left heartbroken upon the realization that this would no…
Nation’s pugs demand to sneeze into your mouth
OTTAWA – A press statement released by the Pug Unification Guild this morning, stated that the nation’s pugs demand access to human mouths in order to sneeze into them. “While there are man…
Inclusivity win! Hallmark introduces golf-free Father’s Day cards
In anticipation of this year’s Father’s Day, Hallmark has released a set of greeting cards that finally pays homage to all the fathers who do not play golf. Whereas before the only kind of Father…
Woman raw-dogging horseradish insists this is the new normal
News in photos.…
Justin Trudeau still pausing
OTTAWA – This past Tuesday, Justin Trudeau took a 21 second pause before commenting on Donald Trump’s use of military action against protestors. Three days after the briefing, sources repor…