Merry Christmas, Tompkins family! It’s time for my holiday family newsletter and it’s an important one, so read closely. Even though there’s lots going on in the Tompkins clan, I just thought eve…
Wow! This advent calendar has 23 days of treats and one day containing a note saying your aunt has died
We thought we had seen everything under the sun for the Christmas season. But this year, a wild new advent calendar is taking the holiday by storm with its innovative new design! Much like other …
Aleppo residents just feel super bad your favourite celebrities died in 2016
ALEPPO, SYRIA – Residents of the war-torn city of Aleppo in Syria, who have this past year become the victims of further atrocities in the form of random civilian executions, are strongly e…
Trump explodes
NYC – At approximately 11:30 am this morning, celebrity, businessperson, and president-elect Donald Trump exploded. “It’s really very unfortunate,” said Melania Trump, the future First Lady. “He’…
Quiz: Can you tell us where the emeralds are hidden or your wife dies, Jericho
We have Sandra, Jericho. She’s safe for now but that can all change unless you tell us where you’ve stashed away the emeralds. Answer these questions correctly or else your wife will meet an unfo…
TTC assures riders that heating on subway cars will be broken just in time for winter
TORONTO – In a public announcement today, TTC CEO Andy Byford has reassured a worried public that the heating system on its subway will cease to be operational by December, precisely as scheduled…
Bob Dylan wins Nobel Prize in Literature for his contributions to high school seniors’ yearbook quotes
STOCKHOLM – The Swedish Academy today announced that American folk singer, Bob Dylan, would be the 2016 recipient of the Nobel Prize in Literature, owing to his contributions to high school yearb…
EDITORIAL: Just a heads up that Tommy is bringing a Chinese girl to Thanksgiving this year – by Aunt Pam
Hi all, it’s your Aunt Pam writing with the annual Thanksgiving instruction e-mail. I have some important news to tell everyone so please read this carefully. I just got off the phone with Nancy …
POINT/ COUNTERPOINT: There are too many ducks at this duck pond vs We are the Ducks
There are too many ducks at this duck pond By Agnes Underwood I’ve been coming down to the duck pond by Miller’s Park for 52 years now and it’s about time that I spoke out about something that’s …
Nation’s spittoon manufacturers suffer 125th straight annual loss
RUSTY CREEK – Financial reports out of Rusty Creek, Idaho, the location of the headquarters of the four largest U.S. spittoon manufacturers, have confirmed that spittoon profits are down yet agai…