SUDBURY, ON ― Friends and family of 23-year-old Seamus Bryant are coming together to express their extreme shock and substantially more moderate grief for what they unanimously described as a “pe…
Career coaches admit that “networking is key” just euphemism for “you’ll get absolutely nowhere without nepotism”
TORONTO – In a shocking press conference today, the Centre for Skills Development admitted that “networking is key” to getting a job, advice they’ve given for years, is just a fancy way of …
Trade War Update: Unpatriotic cat still refuses to use Canadian litter
WELLAND, ON ― Feline traitor to Canada Seersucker has stubbornly refused to switch to any of several varieties of locally-sourced litter, her owner Lily Sasaki reports, opting instead to do her b…
Toyota stopped for speeding in historic first
MISSISSAUGA, ON ― A local driver entered the history books today after being pulled over and ticketed for driving 6 km over the speed limit, despite being behind the wheel of a Toyota Corolla. Ke…
With Trump back in office, Greeks celebrate no longer being civilization that has fallen the furthest
ATHENS, GREECE ― Following Trump’s inauguration and the steep decline in American character it represents, Greece is looking on with a mixture of horror and guilty relief, new polling suggests. …
Well-travelled man can now reject digital cookies in over a dozen languages
THESSALONIKI, GREECE ― Following a short jet-lagged nap, 34-year-old stock broker Rowan Goulding of Oshawa effectuated a Google search for “best restaurants near me.” Within moments, he was force…
Single treat makes pet happier than owner can ever dream of being
COBOURG, ON ― Local housecat, Firecracker Devries, achieved a soaring pinnacle of sheer hedonistic pleasure today that is in equal measure inaccessible and inconceivable to her owner/servant/tole…
“It’s ‘tax Christmas,’ not ‘tax holiday,’” says local culture warrior
WATERLOO, ON ― With the GST break coming into effect, petty, irate, and aptly-named 46-year-old woman Karen Thorpe recently castigated a teenaged cashier for blaspheming against the Lord by using…
Report: Exhausting, unfulfilling suburban life you hate is university student’s unattainable dream
PICKERING, ON ― A scathing new report released today has found that local 52-year-old Linda Pike’s mid-life crisis is every university student’s dream problem, and that they probably won’t notice…
Transparent plots to buy votes are cynical, effective, political scientists find
OTTAWA, ON ― A new survey of political scientists found broad consensus that financial giveaways are a both arrogant and very successful strategy to curry the favour of voters too shortsighted to…
