HARRISBURG, PA ― Undecided voter and self-described “non-partisan skeptical moderate” Deannah Sole has announced that, in the rapidly approaching election for tonight’s meal, which is locked in a…
Canadian takes full five seconds to translate “doughnut hole” to “Timbit”
ANN ARBOR, MI ― Kitchener native Tobias Sanders took a solid five seconds today to work out the meaning of his American friend Cory Easton’s invitation to “grab some doughnut holes” at a local sh…
University class discussion forum used exclusively to ask questions already answered in class
OTTAWA, ON ― The latest analysis of a local first-year North American History course discussion forum has revealed that every one of the 173 questions posted there was already answered in class. …
Top 5 Olympic sports to watch this year that aren’t nearly as good as Winter ones
PARIS, FRANCE ― The 2024 Summer Olympics are kicking off this week, and with so many events, you’re likely wondering which ones are worth tuning in for. The short answer is none of them, because …
Man angry about 15-minute cities wouldn’t last a day in Europe’s 15-minute countries
MARTENSVILLE, SK ― Sources close to Terrence Graves, a local mechanic, report that the 54-year-old who has been grousing for months about the entirely unrealistic dream of making North America th…
Critics praise “The Last Timbit” as the most edible product Tim Hortons has to offer
TORONTO, ON ― Describing it as “not entirely tasteless” and “at least as relevant to Tim Hortons as pizza, clothing, credit cards, or the spaceships they will probably announce soon,” reviewers o…
Supreme Court issues token reasonable ruling
WASHINGTON, DC ―As part of their ongoing mission to fool ridiculously gullible centrists into thinking that their rulings are rooted in respectable legal theory and not right-wing dogma, the Supr…
Jesus announces even he can no longer save in this economy
PARADISE, NS ― In a new testament to the widespread challenges of inflation, Jesus Christ has admitted that he is really no longer in a position to save these days. “I used to devote my life to t…
Quebec to leave tuition protestors alone provided they strike exclusively in French
QUEBEC CITY, QC ― In view of the recent demonstrations by student groups in front of universities, Premier Francois Legault reiterated his commitment to freedom of speech in a press conference to…
“I won’t eat anything I can’t pronounce,” announces woman who cannot pronounce “bruschetta”
MARKHAM, ON ― Local yoga instructor and healthy-eating enthusiast Bella Lincoln recently announced her intention to stop tracking macros and calories, relying instead on a whole-foods diet. Summa…