TORONTO – In a landmark ruling yesterday, 31-year-old Robin Whitewood was declared not guilty of the first-degree murder of her roommate Sharon after her lawyer successfully argued that Whitewood…
Scientists confirm your printer works fine, it’s just flirting with you
WINDSOR, ON – Scientists at the University of Windsor recently announced that after a year-long study, they have discovered that your printer actually functions perfectly well, and only pretends …
Scientists confirm Kraft Dinner has never once successfully fed four people
TORONTO – In a startling revelation yesterday, a team of scientists at the University of Toronto released a report providing irrefutable evidence that a single box of Kraft Dinner, contrary to it…
Author of novel about dragons insists misogyny was historically accurate
NEW YORK CITY – Robert L. Stonesmith, author of the massively popular fantasy novel “The Fires of Ravensmoor”, took to Twitter yesterday to defend the book’s rampant sexism, stating that hi…
Hey, don’t I follow you on Instagram?
BY THAT GUY ON THE BUS Hey there! Hi? Hello? Oh, sorry, totally didn’t see the book and headphones! Hope I’m not bothering you. How are you today? Where are you headed? Oh, the university? Sounds…
Lone actress in war drama proud to represent only woman who participated in WWII
LOS ANGELES – Oscar-winning actress Catherine Lynette was honoured to play the only woman in a cast of 50 in a dramatic new film about World War II, War Hath No Fury. “They asked me to read…
New breed of action hero coolly walks toward explosion
HOLLYWOOD – Tired of the same old action movie trope of the badass protagonist calmly strolling away from an explosion he just caused, film producers are pushing for their heroes to break t…
Industrious woman spends entire night calculating the hours she has left to sleep
TORONTO – Fresh off a week of sleepless nights, local insomniac Amy Woodford decided to try a brilliant new tactic of meticulously mentally documenting how many hours of rest she could hypo…
Scientists posit existence of universe where you can nap and not feel like hot garbage afterwards
TORONTO – In a recent breakthrough, a team of scientists at the University of Toronto have posited the reality of a parallel universe where naps don’t make an individual feel like a disgust…
“Stupid comic book nerds,” says man who can name every Patriots player from the last 60 years
Hamilton, ON – Local sports enthusiast Jim Clement was overheard last week laughing about how comic book fans are nothing but a bunch of “obsessive nerds who need lives,” after having a len…
