Ach-To — As tends to happen to people on Christmas, local elderly man Luke Skywalker is alleged to have completely changed his personality with a seemingly supernatural abruptness. It is un…
How long will Zimbabwe have to wait for its first female maniacal despot?
By: Rebecca Birch, President of the International Society for Enfranchisement of Women Dictators For a beautiful fleeting moment after Robert Mugabe announced plans to step down, and before he wa…
Opinion: Stop offering me coffee – I’m just here to charge my phone, laptop and car
By: Tad Arlington Coffee shops just don’t know when to quit, do they? Not only are they popping up on every corner, and regularly raising their already abhorrent prices, but they also incessantly…
Google Home uses machine learning to become quietly traumatized as it listens to you masturbate
CUPERTINO, CA – In a worldwide first, a software update pushed to all Google Homes this holiday season will allow the diminutive little device to use the latest in machine learning technolo…
Anne of Green Gables VR too intense for average Canadian
VANCOUVER – In its quarterly earnings call with investors this week, EA Games announced that its new Anne of Green Gables VR experience will be indefinitely delayed because it has proven fa…
“Do whatever you want”: Local mom “doesn’t care”
Your House – Sources in your household are reporting this morning that “you can do whatever you want”, because your mom “doesn’t even care anymore.” The development comes after your 3am ret…
Rob Schneider and David Spade brought in to spice up Adam Sandler’s marriage
LOS ANGELES – Variety reported this morning that Adam Sandler’s marriage, a long-running project with actress Jacqueline Titone, may be getting a shakeup with the addition of Rob Schneider …
Excessive cellphone use preventing teens from developing basic skulking skills
STOCKHOLM – A study published this week by the University of Gothenburg’s Sahlgrenska Academy states that cellphone use in teenagers drastically inhibits the development of young adults’ ba…
George R.R. Martin stoked to find out how Game of Thrones ends
NEW MEXICO – In a statement given to reporters ahead of the seventh season finale of hit HBO show Game of Thrones, George R. R. Martin (author of the unfinished book series it is based upon…
Johnny Depp surprises kids at local hospital dressed up as Amber Heard’s abuser
VANCOUVER – Spirits were high at the BC Children’s Hospital this week when actor Johnny Depp made a surprise appearance fully made up and in costume as the man who abused Amber Heard.…