NANAIMO, BC – Local woman Michelle Jennings has been labelled as some form of all-seeing sorceress after perfectly timing her edible to the end of her workday. Jennings, who largely works from ho…
Op-Ed: 30 days without Loblaws: how it improved my skin, digestion, and sex life
Op-Ed by Gayle N. Easton This past month, I decided to participate in Canada’s hottest trend since last summer’s troubling climate change temperatures: the national Loblaws boycott. I already gav…
Olympic anti-sex beds to be donated to college dorms
PARIS – After much deliberation leading up to this year’s event, the International Olympics Committee has decided what to do with the Olympic Village’s infamous anti-sex beds – they will donate t…
“I didn’t get that job because I have a dick!” says man who just is a dick
CALGARY – Local man Peter Johnson claims he was rejected from a job he applied for because he has a dick, when sources confirm that he is, in fact, simply a dick. “They’re discriminating against …
BREAKING: Greece legalizes Greek food
ATHENS, GREECE – The government of Greece has proudly announced that they have legalized the country’s long-standing tradition of eating Greek cuisine. “Is it possible people were doing this in G…
Checked luggage takes year off to travel
WARSAW, POLAND – A piece of checked luggage on a recent domestic Canadian flight has decided to take the year off to travel. “Ever since I came out of the closet last week, I’ve felt this urge to…
Local cat discovers he’s adopted
Surrey, BC – Señor Peanut Justinian Handsome Pants the Great, a local orange tabby cat, just found out he was adopted. “I’m just devastated,” says Peanut, wiping away either a tear or a particula…
Aunt Ruth regifts you COVID infection you gave her last year
CALGARY – Reports indicate that Aunt Ruth has decided to get into the festive spirit this Christmas by regifting you the COVID infection you gave her last year. “Normally, I’m not a fan of regift…
Local man goes outside to try to get better signal for weather app
GUELPH, ON – With the WeatherNetwork app down across the nation, a local man has bravely stepped outside to see if he can get a better signal. “How am I supposed to go out if I don’t know what th…
Parents shocked to discover house they have lived in for twenty years has heating
BARRIE, ON – A local couple who have lived in the same house for over two decades have been shocked to discover their home has heating. “It’s just not something that ever occurred to us,” says ma…