NATIONWIDE – After a hair-raising episode that placed Murdoch, Ogden, and the whole gang in personal danger, the nation’s dogs that have been left alone with the TV on so that they don’t ge…
Question period enters sudden death round for first time in 50 years
OTTAWA – For the first time since 1966, Question Period has entered a sudden death round, with members of parliament now preparing for bloody, and most likely deadly, close-quarters combat.…
Former teacher Trudeau plays name game with all 10,000 Syrian refugees
OTTAWA – Calling on his education background, Prime Minister Trudeau has gathered all 10,000 Syrian refugees in a circle on Parliament Hill to play the name game. “Okay guys, I know it’s co…
PEI UFO actually just potato that got thrown pretty good
KENSINGTON, PEI – A recent investigation into a well-publicised UFO sighting off the coast of Prince Edward Island has confirmed it was just a potato that someone chucked a pretty good dist…
Obama begins State of the Union address with 58-minute sigh
WASHINGTON – Speaking to congress about what shape the country is in and what his plans are for the coming year, President Obama spent the first fifty-eight minutes of last night’s address …
US dollar tells Canadian dollar to stop hitting itself
INTERNATIONAL – Following an early morning noogie and a brutal shoe-lacing before lunch, the USD is spending its recess telling the CAD to stop hitting itself. “Stop hitting yourself,…
Local bar’s taps just pouring flies
INNISFIL, ON – Although they’re connected to a full keg and should theoretically be pouring beer, nothing but dead and live flies have come out of the draft taps at O’Halloran’s for the las…
Bieber continues to rebrand with 700-page treatise on postcolonial theory
As part of the ongoing rehabilitation of his image as a person and performer, Justin Bieber has written and published a monumental new work describing and suggesting remedies for the residual eff…
Yukon sues Bombardier over faulty dog-sled mass transit system
WHITEHORSE – Following a series of failures, months of delays and technical problems, the city of Whitehorse is suing Bombardier over its new dogsled-based public transit system. Transportation M…
Camera-savvy friend explains every goddamn button
VANCOUVER – After having expressed mild excitement about the purchase of a new camera to a friend who once took a photography course, local woman Tiffany Tsu has been forced to endure a tut…
