PASADENA, CA – Hoping to inspire the public, NASA announced a bold new plan today to terraform Earth, saying that one day, humanity may be able to realize the far-off, distant possibility o…
Doug Ford demands officer who carded Masai Ujiri be allowed to march in Raptors parade
TORONTO – Once again standing up for the rights of police officers everywhere, Ontario Premier Doug Ford demanded today that the unnamed officer who reportedly stopped and shoved team manag…
Make-Out Point officially renamed “Butt-Stuff Hill”
GRADSVILLE, AB – “Make-Out Point,” the spot which overlooks the city and has served as a romantic getaway for young couples to drive to since the 1950s, was officially been renamed “Butt-S…
Money finally arrives in your account after harrowing 5-day transfer
TORONTO – Overcoming seemingly impossible odds after having faced a gruelling heroic journey deep within the bowels of the financial system, the $67.89 you transferred from PayPal to your b…
Study finds cycling healthiest way to get hit by a car
MONTREAL – Confirming the widely-held belief popular amongst people who commute by bicycle, a new study has found that cycling is by far the healthiest way to get hit by a car and laid out …
Rich fuck eating something gold
NEW YORK CITY – Even though it adds absolutely no flavour, noted rich fuck, Andy Robinson, 48, of independent investment firm RRBexchange Capital was reported seen paying over $1000 to add…
What you need to know about Trudeau’s carbon tax
The federal government has imposed a price on carbon emissions starting April 1st, 2019 for Ontario, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and New Brunswick. Here’s what you need to know. Cash Rebate Ev…
BuzzFeed publishes correction after inaccurately reporting several things only 90’s kids understand
NEW YORK CITY – In an effort to maintain their reputation as a publication of record, BuzzFeed printed a correction today to an earlier story entitled 57 Things Only Kids Who Grew Up in the…
Report: Bank cheques cost how fucking much?
TORONTO – In a survey of the nation’s major banks, a new report published today states that ordering cheques from your bank can cost anywhere from “Wait, how fucking much?” to “Jesus, you g…
Documents reveal anti-vaccination Facebook groups funded by ‘Big Child Coffin’
WASHINGTON DC – Exposing greedy corporate propaganda, an industry watchdog group has obtained leaked internal documents that demonstrate a direct connection between popular anti-vaccination…
