TATAMAGOUCHE, NS – An event five years in anticipation turned to bitter disappointment this week, as a local census dweeb did not receive the coveted long form questionnaire.
Local insufferable keener Dan Gallant, 35, says he was excited to get his government-issued letter from Census Canada in the mail this week. Gallant will not shut up about how he’s “serious about his civic duty” and drones on about how he remains “excited to learn about the ways in which his information will be used to inform future government policy.”
Gallant will most likely mark his marital status as “not married.”
However, when Gallant eagerly logged into the census website, this raging dork was disappointed to only find the short form given to 75% of Canadian households.
“I was really hoping I’d be in that elite group that gets the long form,” says this fucking dork. “This year they’re asking Canadians about housing, mobility, childcare costs, the state of our housing, and, new this year, our sexual orientations – you know, the good stuff!”
The census weirdo, who lives alone and has as few friends as one would assume, elaborated, “I was really looking forward to sitting down for an hour or two and answering all 70 questions. Y’know, helping my fellow Canadians paint that picture of who we are right now as a nation,” notes the 100 time blood donor who always files his taxes early.
Gallant, who knows where to find his local electronic recycling depots but not where to find someone who will date him, says it’s important to participate fully in all government awareness campaigns.
“I got the radon kit through the government website when I saw the PSA,” he says. “I got the three-day disaster preparedness kit they recommended. I screen for colon cancer through the mail every year, even though they say I don’t need to do it that often and I should only start when I’m fifty,” he said, seemingly unaware that he will remain and die alone.
“You’d think that kind of dedication would earn me a spot in the top 25% but it’s like it’s chosen at random. I just want our friends in Ottawa to know I’m here to help inform policies that help our fellow Canadians,” the Nova Scotian geek said.
“Besides, it’s just nice when someone asks you about yourself, you know?” he added, staring at his phone which has not rung in months.
Gallant’s disappointment was short lived when he received a call from a public opinion pollster who asked if he had thirty minutes to answer a brief survey, as this would be the longest conversation he’s had with a woman all year.
