OTTAWA – With tensions continuing to ratchet in the face of President Trump’s unilateral trade war, Canadians are openly wondering how they will fare against the notably harmonious, disciplined, and selfless American people.
As Prime Minister Carney prepares for another round of talks with Trump, the question on every Canadians’ mind is whether we can outlast the American people, known far and wide for their ability to reach across party lines towards common challenging goals.
“Sure, we just elected a responsible economist and are all ‘elbows up’,” mused Tamara Fawlks, of Nanaimo, BC, “but I’ll bet the American people are all in lockstep agreement about their politics, and will happily sacrifice their normal quality of life to work together peacefully.”
Raymond Chopra of Kingston, ON echoes the same worries. “My family and I have adjusted our travel plans and are buying Canadian at the grocery store. But surely Americans from California to Alabama are similarly ready to adjust their usual levels of conspicuous consumption and make hard choices together.”
“I didn’t get down there during COVID,” Chopra continues, “but I can only assume that all Americans quickly got on the same page and agreed about lockdown mandates, vaccines, and the outcome of the 2020 election. Canada’s got some stiff competition.”
Chopra concludes, “Sure, other lesser countries might melt down and turn on each other and riot in the streets the second they couldn’t buy cheap flatscreen TVs or their utility bills shot up 200%, but Americans – I don’t think so.”
With shipments of cheaply-manufactured Chinese goods reportedly soon coming to an end, Canadian economists have predicted that this will only strengthen the average American’s famously even-tempered judgement in the face of adversity.
Dr. Maria Bricks of Carleton University’s Economics Department has studied Canadian-US trade dynamics. “Based on my modelling, Americans should face empty store shelves within weeks. To which I assume they will respond by saying ‘This is my opportunity to give back to my community and support President Trump’s well-researched and clearly-articulated economic goals.'”
Bricks continues, “The only things Canada has going for us are a stable government, vast natural resources, healthy international alliances, and a near-pathological resistance to the notion of becoming the 51st American state.”
At press time, President Donald Trump announced that he would be pitting Virginia and Kentucky against each other in a battle royale to determine which state would receive FEMA funding.
