HARRISBURG, PA ― Undecided voter and self-described “non-partisan skeptical moderate” Deannah Sole has announced that, in the rapidly approaching election for tonight’s meal, which is locked in a dead heat between Italian and sushi, she intends to vote for whatever will leave everyone with an actual preference unhappy.
Though she prefers to use the term “freethinker,” others describe her as “incredibly radical, but about centrism,” “pretty ignorant, honestly,” and “seriously-what-the-fuck how can you possibly not see the difference between Nazis and not-Nazis?”
Her two roommates, Sadie McTavish and Ricki Young, recently performed an experiment on Sole, where McTavish argued that two plus two equals four, while Young claimed it was five. Although Sole recognized that the sum is not therefore 4.5, she appears wholly unable to extrapolate this logic, whether to politics or, more pressingly, to tonight’s dinner debate.
After twenty long minutes of detailing everything she dislikes about both linguini and dragon rolls, while shrugging every time she was asked what she does like, Sole grudgingly allowed a compromise of Indian, secure in the knowledge that it is not at all what either of her roommates are in the mood for and also not what ‘compromise’ means. Because Young and McTavish are both Californian by birth and she is Pennsylvanian, their opinions count far less than hers.
It is worth noting that Sole, when eating alone, has a track record of opting for pizza or pasta 95% of the time, and of absolutely despising all seafood. Additionally, she is not in fact a fan of Indian food, given her famously low tolerance for heat. However, she stands by her dogged belief that the only acceptable position in every situation is ‘fuck you.’
“Centrists like Sole are truly fascinating. Their determination not to be sheep for a single political party leads them to actually toe twice as many party-lines, while coalescing around this single policy of non-conformity for which they can somehow articulate even less logical merit than the incoherent MAGA crowd does for their insane conspiracies,” observed psychologist Charlie Davenport, a researcher at Pennsylvania State University.
“Eventually, this becomes their personality and suddenly, you can’t even have a nice dinner with them unless you find a restaurant that serves poison pills in every meal.”
Sole intends to vote as usual for the only presidential candidate who matches her views closely enough for her ridiculous standards by writing in her own name. Meanwhile, the leftovers from the tikka masala she spitefully choked down are expected to be thrown out on November 5th along with the equally-spoiled leftovers from the States’ international reputation.
