TORONTO – University of Toronto psychology professor Jamie Pasternak is relieved he finally has tenure and can therefore keep the door wide open when he drops deuces from now on.
“As a new professor you’re always a little cautious of being completely open with your views,” said Pasternak. “But now – after many sleepless nights – I have the freedom to voice my beliefs, develop unpopular ideas and evacuate my bowels unhindered by literal or systemic barriers.”
While Pasternak’s students say he is a gifted academic, after his tenure appointment he’s been spotted taking more and more shits around campus with the door open, leading to some concern within the university community.
“Last term I took [Pasternak’s] Introduction to Personality course, and that was pretty good,” said second-year psychology major Pamela Chaudhry. “But then someone asked the professor if he could please not take a shit right there in front of everyone, and he went on an hour-long rant about how he will not be compelled to behave a certain way.”
Pasternak has also begun uploading videos to a subscription-based internet platform, where millions of users pay a monthly fee to see Pasternak crap with the door open.
Pasternak has also topped bestseller lists with his recent book, ’12 rules for Taking a Shit With the Door Open.’
