SUDBURY – Prominent sorcerer of darkness Ragnicius the Cobbled has recently announced plans to reappropriate the term “millennial” to denote the demographic of wizards born before the first thousandth annum.
“As a well respected Mage of the Order of Pekandor, I find it quite insulting that millennials as they currently exist are solely accredited for ruining the economy with their reluctance to purchase property,” Ragnicius explained. “In my day, our housing bubble was threatened not by floppy haired youth who felt pressured to repay their student loans before signing a 30-year mortgage. Nigh, for us home ownership was ill-advised when hordes of orcs might pillage your village at first dusk.”
“A youth of the ages 20-35 may have experimented by taking ayahuasca at a summer festival in the desert. However, that is mere child’s play. My Friday nights consist of sacrificing the soul of a centaur to Beelzebub during high moon.” Ragnicius bellowed from the back of a tavern, “Only children of the 990s will understand this to be true!”
The 1021 year old wizard has issued most of his critisms on a change.org petition. In an excerpt from his appeal, Ragnicius writes, “The nostalgia of modern day millennials will keep them occupied while the true Magikal Millennial Renaissance overtakes the land. The baby-boomers will beg to have their adult children expound the merits of Tamagotchis and ‘NSYNC CDs when the High Priest’s green fire signals the arrival of End Times. Goblins will raid, brimstone will burn, carrion will pile up. As prophesied by the the Shamans of Yelnof, all will cower in perpetuity… but you’re right, Instagramming your brunch sounds just as horrifying.”
However, when further pressed, Ragnicius admitted that he did see some value in 21st-century millennials, saying that, “This Generation of Y shows considerable devious promise. They are not afraid of fragmenting their souls through the capture of a ‘selfie’. And they show great courage by risking venereal diseases that will surely end in a widespread pox in their pursuit of ‘hookup culture.’ I see exceptional destruction in their apathy and hashtags.”
At press time, Ragnicius was seen bartering for a latte at Starbucks with bronze coppers and an elixir of youthful prosperity.
