OTTAWA – Prime Minister Stephen Harper has called on his council of Cabinet members to provide him with a detailed report on human emotion.
Included in the request made earlier in the week, the Prime Minister himself sighted problems recognizing emotions and difficulty communicating with other human beings. The report is to include a spectrum of emotions that range from happiness, to feelings of sadness and empathy.
Ben Cowen, an adviser to the Prime Minister, came to his defence when the report was debated and criticized in Parliament.
“As the leader of all subordinate citizens of Canada, the Prime Minister feels he does a sufficient job of handling the logistical progression through his daily routine, but there are times when he wants to understand why humans become exhausted, produce art, and when to break eye-contact with an individual before it is considered an unacceptable amount of time to stare at them.”
The move is assumed to have been influenced by an incident several months ago when the Prime Minister and Finance Minister Jim Flaherty were playing a round of golf, and the PM shot an incredible hole-in-one on a difficult 213-yard par 3 hole, yet showed no interest in the feat. Other members of the Harper Cabinet shared their concerns as a result of similar stories, and many have been pressuring the PM to submit this request for some time.
At press time, PMO staff are reporting that Harper is slowly learning to experience happiness and expresses it whenever smelling oil and tar being pumped through a labyrinth of cold steel pipes, witnessing a mountain being fracked first-hand, and reflecting on the passing of former NDP party leader Jack Layton.
