WASHINGTON D.C. – U.S.President Donald Trump has announced that Canada’s decision to recognize Palestinian statehood will “make it very hard for us to make a Trade Deal with them, which I had no intention of honouring in the first place.”
As Trump’s latest trade talk deadline threatens to impose 35% tariffs on Canadian goods, the president insisted that support for Palestine would be the factor that upended the deal, and not the president’s own narcissistic whims or long-documented history of reneging on his business deals.
“Wow! Canada just announced that it is backing statehood for Palestine!” the president posted to his Truth Social platform in between taxpayer-funded trips to promote his golf courses. “This Palestine support seems like as good a reason as any to back out of our deal which, let’s face it, I was already going to bail on the next time I need 30 seconds of fawning news coverage from Fox News. Oh’ Canada!”
Asked to clarify his Canadian comments, Trump shouted curse words at the reporter before being assured the question had nothing to do with his ties to Jeffrey Epstein.
“How dare Canada express support for Palestine, when they know I have a quite public quid-pro-quo corruption deal in place with (Israeli Prime Minister) Netanyahu,” fumed Trump. “That’s why I am cancelling our trade deal now, as opposed to three weeks from now just because I heard an Anne Murray song on the radio.”
Trump then proudly pointed to his well-publicized pattern of ignoring or outright breaking binding agreements, whether it be with contractors working on his properties, debts owed to prominent banks, or the Canada-US-Mexico Agreement that he himself negotiated during his first term.
“Any idiot can see that my tariff policy is deliberately chaotic, intended only to demonstrate short-term strength to my domestic base at the expense of our global allies and America’s hard-won economic credibility. So thanks for giving me a thinly-veiled Palestinian pretext to do what I was always gonna do anyway, hosers,” Trump added, before veering into a 35-minute story about the late Hulk Hogan’s penis size.
Back in Ottawa, Prime Minister Mark Carney reaffirmed his support for Palestinian statehood in the face of Trump’s pre-emptive abandonment of a US/Canada trade deal.
“Canada has long been committed to a two-state solution. Donald Trump couldn’t even commit to his first two wives. We’re not exactly shocked.”
Carney then returned to reading the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in preparation for his next meeting with the American President.
