NEW YORK CITY – Alexander Ovechkin has scored his 895th career goal, surpassing Wayne Gretzky’s record and making him first all-time among NHL superstars with terrible personal politics.
Ovechkin, a man who’s repeatedly expressed strong public support for a murderous authoritarian while also being really good at hockey, dedicated his remarkable feat to all the Russian soldiers working hard to murder innocent Ukrainians.
“It means a lot to me, knowing I still have so many fans back home,” Ovechkin said. “Slightly fewer fans now that Putin has gotten thousands of them killed for no good reason, but still.”
While Ovechkin’s unwavering support of Vladimir Putin has earned him some criticism, the NHL has largely looked the other way after weighing the record chase’s many subtle moral complexities and concluding that it was making a lot of money.
“I don’t believe hockey should be politicized,” said commissioner Gary Bettman, when asked for comment after the American national anthem. “We’re simply celebrating the accomplishments of a legendary player, while continuing to ban his country from international competitions for reasons that are obvious yet can’t be commented on.”
“I don’t want to talk politics,” Ovechkin added. “Hockey transcends boundaries, like the national one Putin is trying to violently wipe from the map.”
While Gretzky’s goalscoring record was once believed impossible to topple, Gretzky himself was once seen as a beloved national icon rather than one of Donald Trump’s least interesting lapdogs, proving that anything is possible in today’s NHL.
“The next record-setter will likely be even more morally reprehensible,” a TSN analyst said. “Somewhere out there a young player is watching the YouTube videos that will radicalize him into a staunch eugenicist.”
At press time, Putin had issued a statement calling Ovechkin an inspiration to a generation of young men who won’t be able to play hockey because they’ve had limbs blown off by his warmongering.
