QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is reportedly starting to feel he may have bitten off more than he can chew in his attacks on the United States after realizing they are immune to his most trusted tactic; slowly ruining the local healthcare system.
“Folks, turning the province’s hospitals to shit has gotten me three majority governments, but I don’t know how to use it down there,” Premier Ford said from his desk, where he had laid out a photo of a crackhouse and a Philadelphia walk-in clinic to try and spot the difference.
“My usual playbook was keep people too sick, drunk, sad, lazy, addicted to gambling, or dead to notice what I’m doing,” Ford added. “My sources have been telling me that’s how most of the Trump administration already operates on a regular basis, though, so my hands are tied.”
While Ford has announced strong moves against America in response to President Trump’s tariffs, those close to the premier have described his ideas for retaliation as actually “fairly scattershot”.
“Once he realized we couldn’t possibly make the American healthcare system any worse than it already is, Doug was forced to think economically, which isn’t his strong suit,” explained Julia Slearhart, a staffer at Queen’s Park. “For every good idea he has to hurt the States, there are three we have to talk him out of, like putting a $200 bounty on all Americans in the province, starting a government-funded bald eagle restaurant, or building a wall in the middle of Niagara Falls so they can’t see our side.”
Despite the fact that Ford cannot make healthcare in the States any more inaccessible than the corporations already have and that’s all he’s good at, the Premier is still determined to find a way to protect his province from America’s economic aggression.
“I know all my ads said I would fight for Ontario residents, but they didn’t say I would be fighting something that should be dead already. I’m already having nightmares about KFC being turned into family medicine practices. But don’t worry! I won’t let our beloved province become American. Just its healthcare system”
At press time, Ford’s latest plan to take all the bike lanes out of American cities was thwarted after realizing only 3% of Americans bike to work.
