OTTAWA – As US President Trump’s unilaterally-launched trade war continues, Canadians have struck back with counter-tariffs on a valued American item: the little Canadian flag patches Americans put on their luggage while travelling abroad.
The 200% counter-tariff are expected to severely impact US citizens’ ability to pass as Canadians while visiting other countries. This will limit Americans’ chances to enjoy the benefits of being welcomed as Canadians, while not getting shunned for being obnoxious yanks.
“Passing as Canadians while travelling is the cornerstone of America’s international relations strategy,” explains Sheila Grubnick, chair of the US Foreign Relations Council. “From stoned Iowa undergrads buying weed in Amsterdam, to Marco Rubio trying to keep his luggage from getting spit on by Dutch baggage handlers, Canadian flag patches are necessary for us to fly literally anywhere.”
Grubnick continues, “After Canadian flag patches, America’s entire diplomatic framework consists of Truth Social posts where the president calls other countries ‘cucks’. Our State Department needs those little maple leaves!”
Newly-installed Prime Minister Mark Carney enacted the targeted Patch Tariff, drawing on his years of experience abroad as Governor of the Bank of England.
“Sometimes the only way for American tourists to get served in a European restaurant was by stitching a Canadian flag patch to their backpack, blazer, or gown,” Carney explained. “Despite this, they’re often given away by their Southern accents or demands for ranch dressing.”
Prime Minister Carney maintains that the 200% Flag Patch tariffs will stay in place as long as Trump’s tariffs do. “In the meantime I’m sure Americans can skip vacationing on the sunny beaches of Monaco or Thailand, and instead travel to the meth gator-infested swamps of Florida.”
Across the United States, several Americans reacted to the Canadian Flag Patch tariffs.
Harold Skemps of New York says, “I tried travelling with an American flag patch one time, but I just kept getting pelted with croissants. I need a maple leaf!”
Sue Hawkes of Indiana commented, “Do they got NASCAR in other countries? Well then why am I going there in the first place?”
Joseph Grambs of Kentucky commented, “Without a Canadian patch I guess my only option for foreign travel is to enlist and wait for the next invasion.”
At press time, Canada is considering 500% counter-tariffs on all ketchup chips.
